Frumpzilla

Frump has featured a lot of Russian kids doing weird and wild stuff over the years. With that in mind, I guess it’s only fair that we show some German adults pulling sufficiently similar stunts.

I think that’s German anyway. Does anyone know what “Oooh, ahhhh. Ooooh, ein ass!” means in English? All I caught was a couple of F-Bombs and something about David Hasselhoff. Then again, I guess we don’t really need a translator to understand what’s going on here, do we? Lolsome.

With the Presidential election just around the corner, we thought it might be a good time to review our great nation’s rich and fascinating Presidential history. Especially the bits our public school system so glaringly omits.

Now, we obviously couldn’t care less who you vote for when you hit the polls come November – that’s a private and personal decision that you’ll have to reach on your own. We’re not here to persuade you one way or the other,  but we do think you should at least be armed with the knowledge necessary to give the voting process for the United States’ highest public office the respect it deserves.

For instance, learning that President Obama’s “Change” platform was actually a direct reference to, and namesake of,  his trusty crossbow may very well swing some votes away from the Romney-Ryan ticket, but that’s not our goal. We only wish to bring such frivolities to the forefront; how you use it, whether at your next pub-trivia night or when asking a question at one of the Presidential Debates, is up to you.

That said, come with us after the jump to learn some trivial, yet fascinating, facts about some of this country’s greatest political leaders…

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Man, it’s been awhile since I’ve frumped. In fact, it was going to be my new year’s resolution to remember my login and get back into this. However, every once in awhile, something comes along that makes you want to be a better person. It makes you want to smash the goals you’ve laid out for yourself and set the bar even higher. My something came this morning, when the above video arrived in my inbox.

I’ve done the Google research, and Will Forte does not have a new a movie coming out where releasing a viral video would help boost attendance. So, this thing is legit. I’m not sure what show it is, but that doesn’t matter as I’ll never watch it. How could they top this? My favorite part are the looks on the impressionable youth in the audience. This kid in particular may be our new Twitter avatar for the foreseeable future.

Enjoy the video as well as the ‘Re-dub’ which is just as enjoyable after the Frump.
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As long as the NFL is around, I think it’s safe to say there’s going to be ample criticism of the league’s officials. Such criticism is typically not difficult to find, especially the really blatant stuff. I won’t even bother linking you to any of the ranting and raving about other calls from Week 6′s games, especially since we’ve got perhaps the very best bad call of them all right here.

You know, there are bad missed calls — like that blatant block in the back by 49ers #56, Tavares Gooden, on this Ted Ginn, Jr. punt return that setup San Francisco’s game-winning drive against the Lions last Sunday. You can see it at around the 14 second mark in the above video, then again in better, slower detail at around 40 seconds.

Those kind of bad calls, I mean, they’re not really post-worthy. Ted Ginn, Jr. stepping out at the Lions 40, and then the officials placing the ball at the Lions 35 for no apparent reason, however…that’s post-worthy.

Perhaps Bobby Layne decided 9-straight wins was enough for Detroit...

I suppose if 49ers TE Delanie Walker’s game-winning score hadn’t gone for 5.999 yards on 4th and goal from the 6, even those 5 free yards the officials handed out eight plays earlier wouldn’t be that big a deal. After all, the Lions still had a chance to stop their opponent, and, despite there being under two minutes to play when they first got the ball back, Detroit even had two more chances on offense that they squandered.

Still, one has to wonder: Just how the f*ck does something like this happen at such a critical juncture in a National Football League game? Again, I’ll give the zebras the block in the back, despite how blatant it was — that kind of no-call happens every weekend. Spotting a team five yards inside their opponent’s half in the 4th quarter, though? Just really, really bizarre.

Hell, maybe it’s the Lions staff and/or players that need to be called out on this one. Inexcusable to allow stuff like this to happen in a game that literally came down to inches. Luckily for Schwartz and the Lions — and the refs — it looks like the post-game handshake blowup between Schwartz and Harbaugh will overshadow the gross negligence documented the video above.

It started with widening the gap in education and scholastic aptitude in general. Then virtually insurmountable innovations in consumer electronics. Next came the complete and utter domination of the automobile industry, just prior to unveiling perhaps the most significant strides in genetic engineering to date.

Now, they’re shrinking vaginas and killing spermatozooms in one fell, over-the-counter swoop.  Do you even know know what spermatozooms are? I sure as hell don’t. But they do.

Time to awake up, America. Time to wake up, stop bitching about a 10% unemployment rate and ludicrously large national debt, and smell the lurbri cate the Far East is using to f*ck you in the ass. I mean, we’ve been trying to eradicate HIV/AIDS for what now, 30-plus years? They’re packaging the cure and placing it in a conspicuous box on the shelf at a Shanghai CVS.

Listen, we may never make the most reliable cars again, or the HDTV with the deepest blacks and best contrast ratio, but I’ll be damned if we’re gonna fall behind in the race to shrink c*nts.  Am I right?  Who’s with me?!? U-S-A! U-S-A!

Thanks to DBJ for the link to this oldie but goodie…

Yeah, Madden Curse be damned, I was pretty stoked about getting a guy that was a top 5 RB in nearly all formats last year with pick 3.11 in a savvy, 12-team Fantasy draft I’ve been participating in for years. The fact that Hillis is a known hog wrestler and sports probably the best facemask in the NFL was an added bonus, of course.

However, apparently not content to let me enjoy the spoils of my draft success, today my friend, colleague and Fantasy Football competitor — The Gingerhead Man — decided to link me to the above video, which is currently featured at www.peytonhillis.com.

Needless to say, I was devastated. If the negative karma associated with such a display doesn’t mandate a drastic slump in Peyton’s performance this year, I’m not sure what possibly could. I mean, just where the f*ck is Peyton’s head at this year?

What’s next? Leaving shitty tips for hand to mouth hospitality industry workers at fine dining establishments, or something?

To be fair, based on the autographed helmet pictured above, whether or not that was the Peyton Hillis dropping a less than 10% tip is possibly in question. Whether or not Hillis has an 11-year old girl signing memorabilia for him is in question as well.

Either way, let’s just say I’m glad I had the wherewithal to pick up Montario Hardesty in the 13th.

If you’re one of Frumpzilla’s literally dozens of return readers, then this may come as a surprise, but — believe it or else — we generally don’t take pleasure in other people’s pain. Truth.

Having said that, sometimes said pain is apparently derived from such unreasonable, ridiculous sources that, well, I guess we simply can’t help ourselves.

Take the inordinate amount of pain experienced in the above video; it’s a classic example of this phenomenon. I mean, short of  being under the impression that a nuclear device was somehow implanted in that horse — one triggered by the equine choosing to backup and/or deciding to take a break — is there any rational reason susceptible to empathy for those hysterical (albeit hilarious) cries of “Run! Run!” ?  The huffing? The puffing? The Blair Witch Project-inspired cinematography?

I say no. Which, of course, is why I took such great pleasure from this incident. Save the fallen horse, obviously.

It’s not everyday one gets to see a man run over not once, but twice by indiscriminate pick up trucks — let alone face the reality that the relative value of his well being pales in comparison to that of an “early model” Chevy (the action heats up around the 1:05 mark in the video)

Yes,  if the embarrassment of being run over by your own truck wasn’t enough, surely seeing a cohort streak by your somewhat lifeless body at an Olympian-like pace — chasing after the very pick-up that just smote you down– would be enough for you to do some serious soul searching. Like, just WTF have I done to get here?

Little did you know that fate had not yet had her cruel, cruel fill of you, and that a second, leg-crushing blow had already been set in motion — and from a Ford no less!

That’s when you know it’s time for a change.  Time to find religion. Change religions. Maybe even buy a new truck (even a Japanese-made one). Something, anything to set right the course that had led you so wrongly astray.

Thanks to DBJ for the tip. He drives an “early model” Miata. Oh, and we’re told that the victim here is still alive and “kind of okay.” So that’s nice.

As you may or may not have noticed, the Frumpzilla staff tends to take somewhat of a “summer sabbatical” between the months of May and July, and on a somewhat annual basis. The reasons for this are not few in number, but then none of those reasons are important here — we just wanted you to know we haven’t abandoned you (we also know you were worried).

Having said that, expect us to be back at full Frumping force circa August. Oh, and from time to time we may drop in for something like our friend Audrey up there.

Now, as we all know, some things require a bit of context before they can be fully appreciated and/or understood properly. Unfortunately, we have absolutely no context to offer here, other than the fact that this appears to be from a pocket English-German dictionary — possibly one issued by the Association of Southern Baptist Missionaries.

Beyond that, we’re left to mere speculation as to the publisher and/or source of the material, but — whatever the case — I suppose it doesn’t take away from its bizarre, WTF quality (especially in light of the rich, progressive history of ethnic and cultural tolerance found in the United States, United Kingdom, and Germany).

Thanks to DBJ for the link, via fuckyeahalbequerque.com (?)

It’s Friday, so I think we can get away with crazy stuff like this.

I have no idea why this video got me so good. It sure as hell couldn’t be the mere inclusion of adorable, cuddly little kittens (right?), so maybe it’s the insanely dramatic score, or the faux slomo. Then again, maybe just the previously inane concept of a cat crash test, alone, is enough to tickle Frump’s fancy on a Friday.

Whatever it is, it’s good. Kapawmecm, indeed!

No kittens were harmed by DBJ during the making of this video (at least as far as we know)

As a disclaimer, let me preface this by saying I have no issues with “Christianity” in and of itself, nor any other faith for that matter. In general, I guess you could say I’m quite open to the concept of religion, just not totally convinced by it. Stuff like this doesn’t help.

That said, it’s hard not to dismiss this particular kind of display as nothing more than mere, probably malicious, charlatanism. Fortunately, it also happens to be mildly hilarious, so I guess that may help balance out the lamentable view of a lost flock.

“Boom-ba,” indeed, preacher! And a “bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, POW!” to you as well! Just doesn’t seem to jive with what I’ve read about that Jesus of Nazareth cat in Matthew, etc.

Amen to that…

DBJ 8:53

To say I was a tad suspicious of this work upon first impression would be an under statement. I mean, I just knew there was no way any publishing house would provide the financial backing for even the most modest of initial pressings of The Beginner’s Guide to Sex in the Afterlife: An Exploration of the Extraordinary Potential of Sexual Energy.

But then I also made the same mistake about Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen Based Recipes, didn’t I?  And we all know how that turned out.

Sure enough, you can buy David Staume’s, Llewellyn Publications-published guide to sex in the afterlife right over at Amazon, and for just $10.40. $8.76 on Kindle.

There’s probably a “good” Patrick Swayze joke in here somewhere, but I’ll leave that to you. Possible chapter titles are welcomed, too…

We missed putting one of these up yesterday, so here’s our Friday mea culpa (we’ll try to get another up later today).

Over at imgur.com they’re calling this “Vengeance Cat.” I approve…