Frumpzilla

We don’t typically try to, I suppose, “question” musical ventures here at Frumpzilla. The art form is so subjective, you know — so deeply personal in nature for so many. Who is Frump, after all, to callously pass judgment on one’s passionate outpouring of acutely intimate creative expression?

That said, to be fair, I guess we may or may not have made some exceptions to this general rule in the past.

There was that “Miracles” song from Insane Clown Posse. Oh, and their follow-up single, “Juggalo Island.” Then there was DJ Felli Fells’ “I Wanna Get Drunk,” which was interesting. And the Crop Circle Song. And those cute little kids — not to mention Trevor Sayers — reminding us of how important it is to respect and obey authority.  So, yeah, I guess we’re not saintly, okay?

Anyway, notwithstanding the above confessions, it’s not necessarily our intent to disparage Benjamin Dukhan’s “Burger Girl” alter-ego here. Think of it more as a plea. A plea to, I guess, “understand” just what the hell he’s on about. Or even just on. Baby steps, you know…

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This cover from China’s Vista Magazine may have been intended as a metaphor for the future of Sino-American relations, but I think there’s a tad more to it than that.

Those who know me well know that I’ve always distrusted giant pandas. In fact, if not for our vastly superior strength in numbers, I’m fairly confident those glorified raccoons would waste no time making waste of us.

See, they may appear all cute and fuzzy, but underneath that black and white fur lies the soul of a vicious, subservient, porn-watching weapon of mass destruction.  And that’s assuming they have souls.

Indeed, after perhaps Al Qaeda, WikiLeaks, fast food, and North Korea, the giant panda is probably the single greatest threat to America.  And, similar to what you’ve seen in all those Al Qaeda “terrorist training” videos, pandas, too, start the indoctrination of evil at a young age.

Seriously, some people may view what’s seen after the jump as “playful” — those people will also be the first to go. A closer look reveals that this is just the infant stages of the pandas’ quest for world domination.  Believe it, or else…

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Hey, Frump isn’t here to beat you over the head with just what is the good, the bad, and the very (very) ugly — that’s, for the most part, quite subjective, and left to you to decide. For yourself. No one else.

That’s America to Frump. That and the two videos that follow… (some NSFW language follows as well)

Believe it or else, Frumpzilla actually has at least one lawyer on staff. We’re not going to identify him/her/them, but let’s just say several around Frump’s lavish headquarters are anxiously anticipating the Supreme Court’s decision in the “Funeral Protesters” case (Snyder v. Phelps, 580 F. 3d 206 (2009)).

As if that pending precedent isn’t complex enough, it appears the Court may yet have another privacy/free speech issue on its hands in the coming months.

Citing the fact that Jesus walked — and that the word “jog” doesn’t appear in the Bible even once (truth) –  the Upright Citizens Brigade makes sure the most egregious violators of this often overlooked codicil to God’s Law are well aware of the inevitable, ticker-tape of fire awaiting them.

Let’s face it: the logic expressed here is at least as sound as that of the Westboro Baptist Church. The UCB might just have their day in court, too… (some NSFW language in here, so be careful)

Thanks to DBJ for the link

Continuing Frumpzilla’s tradition of chronicling the history of what very well could be the most critically important interview series in the past 37 or so years of American journalism, we bring you the latest installment of “Between Two Ferns,” with Zach Galifianakis.

In the latest story reminding us yanks that we may be just a bit too uptight at times, still not too far removed from certain aspects of our evangelical roots ( perhaps), over 1,000 Carlsberg brewery workers went on strike recently, apparently up in arms about the company’s new “Lunch-Only” beer policy.

That’s right, up until now, employees of the Danish brewer were allowed to drink as much as they liked on the job…with one minor caveat.  According to Carlsberg spokesman Jens Bekke, the only restriction was “that you could not be drunk at work. It was up to each and everyone to be responsible.” Hey, seems fair to me…

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Hey, if you haven’t heard of The Potty Dance yet, wake up and join modern society, okay? This thing may or may not be sweeping the nation as you read (at least amongst those with kids that have yet to master the complex intricacies associated with socially acceptable urination and bowel movements), and we certainly don’t want you experiencing that awkward exchange in line at Starbucks when one of your friends from yoga class randomly brings up how “Lil Matt” was doing the “Poo-Poo Dance” the other night (reputations get hurt that way).

The problem is, despite how fantastic this thing is (and it really is fantastic, isn’t it?), there’s still a subtle, yet quite troubling undercurrent present in it all (which we highlight after the jump (and it actually has nothing to do with those creepy firemen))

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I’ll be the first to admit that I’m really not all that familiar with Insane Clown Posse and their music, although I guess I may be proud of that. I’ve also learned what a “juggalo” is just today, but then that probably only adds to my aforementioned point of pride.

Well, apparently juggalos now have a news channel tailored specifically to their kind and culture. Seriously, utterly fascinating. Enjoy, but please mind the rather harsh, esoteric language…

If you still need some help defining just what the hell a “juggalo” is, apparently this is a fairly good place to start, and thanks to dbj for educating me in the mysterious ways of the juggalo.

Or: Drawing attention to yourself, positive or negative, as you desire, at whatever traditional, obligatory junket you may be attending in honor of Super Bowl XLIV.

We all know Super Bowl props are “fun” (don’t we?), but not all Super Bowl props are created equal. After all, who not named “Reggie Bush” can typically get any bang for their buck in relation to the size of Kim Kardashian’s ass?

Well, tomorrow night, the whole world has been given the opportunity to ride Kim Kardashian’s ass to glory.  Gambling glory, that is, and the fun doesn’t end there…

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Since Frumpzilla only recently kicked things back up again, on Fridays we like to take a quick look back in time to present our readers with some of the more memorable content from the old site.  Normally Cochese handles these duties, but he’s a bit tied up today and asked if I could do the honors.

I figured since there’s been  some recent buzz about serious issues with Toyota’s new Prisuses, we might as well take advantage and get some content up related to Hybrid vehicles.  The fact that it’s recycled content makes it all the more relevant, right?

Frump it here for today’s Friday Frump Classic: Sports Cars Dethroned as Primary Means of Male Compensation

As most of our hundreds of thousands of readers have probably noticed, Frumpzilla has been on the mend for awhile now.  Still is, really, but, despite our current state of flux, we just couldn’t resist paying homage to one of our favorite secular holidays.  We could, however, fail to come up with anything original, and instead recycle our incredibly popular Secretaries’ Day article from last year.  Don’t worry, though, the advice is still good…REALLY good, so enjoy celebrating Secretaries’ Day 2009 with these helpful tips and suggestions…

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So I’m sure you’ve all heard the reports about President Obama wearing bullet proof clothing during the inaugural ceremonies on Tuesday.  Yeah, it’s true.

See that strapping overcoat up there?  Bulletproof.

Shirt?  Bulletproof.  Tie?  Bulletproof.

That Q-Ray Bracelet thing on his right wrist?  Bulletproof, and it’s all thanks to one Miguel Caballero, a Colombian designer that specializes in such attire.

Naturally, upon learning about this garb, I immediately thought “okay, where can I get some?“  I mean, every girl’s crazy about a sharp dressed, bulletproof man, right?

Just look at how freakin’ turned on Michelle is in that picture.  What guy couldn’t use more of that in their life?

Sadly, after I reexamined the prospect of donning bulletproof threads, I realized that my all too zealous imagination may have gotten the best of me.

How am I going to pull off bulletproof clothing?  How could I justify it?  Sure, I probably could afford it, but I’m just not that important.  After all, Presidents, Kings, Prime Ministers — I’m sure these are the ilk of folk that keep Miguel Caballero in business.

Well, I decided to research this, just to be sure, and I was right — except for one glaring loophole.  A loophole that may just allow the common, independently wealthy, everyday man, such as myself, rock some bulletproof fashion, too…

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Chicks dig cars, or so I’ve been told.  Sports cars especially, right?  Unh-unh.  Apparently not.  Not in this brave new world of ours…

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