There’s been “fat girls,” “gay guy,” “college chicks.” You know, the usual suspects for this kind of stuff. Well, this most recent submission takes the cake, and by “takes the cake” I mean truly creeps me the hell out.

Seriously, I’m not some wholesome, up tight, moralistic prude or anything — far from it, actually — but just what the f*ck are people thinking these days? Isn’t this basically just a burlesque show of 10 and under girls? Dancing to a song about jaded, single women (For real, screw him liking it and putting a ring on it; if you were really over “it”, you wouldn’t need to champion a song like this)?

Were there lots of guys in dark sunglasses and trench coats in the back row? Perhaps someone in a bear costume? Jeeze…

Thanks to Dbj for the tip.

Let’s see: Pants off; sitting on the toilet; kid in a laundry basket; mom, presumably, on camera duty…I mean, there’s just so much going on here. I’m perhaps most perplexed by the fact that the Ferris wheel operator seems to be sitting on the toilet while the seat it up. Who the hell does that? Utterly fascinating…

Thanks to Dbj for the tip…

It is posted on a public message board and therefore fair game.  Welcome to the land of unwanted internet fame, DieHardDeacon

Why anyone would post this on a forum devoted to sports, and to a 90% male audience is beyond me…not that there’s anything wrong with it.

This is Wake Fan at his most causal – his most vulnerable…in his essence, if you will.  Drink it in folks.

My sick WF tat is full view along with my RJ Reynolds 10 years of service watch and necklace combo.  Don’t hate.

Good thing I had these gloves on for my “workout” – you aint got nuthin’ on me Riley Skinner! You bitch!

Frump it for even more!

Cross my heart and hope to die, big boy…or you can just attach a leash to it like those crazy mothers in the mall LOL!

I am a coy lil’ slut aren’t I! LOL

Anyone remember that TV show “Salute your Shorts?” Evan certainly does! LOLOLOLOL xoxo.

The pouty-face look is harder than it looks

This is what I call, “business casual”

Its not called the ‘fist of fury’ for nuthin’! – bring out the gimp!

Dont believe me?  Here is the original link…

(Thanks to the Admiral for the lead)

Maybe this guy and Chas McFarland are tat buddies?  Another question for another day, perhaps.  For now, I guess all that’s left to say is…

Now, other than the fact that they’re absolutely delicious, I can’t say I know all that much about Octopuses. Judging from this video, however, I’d say they’re probably quite curious and playful.  See, just as I was screaming for the diver to do a barrel roll a get the frump outta there, it turns out the octopus apparently just wanted to play with his video camera, which continued to record as the cephalopod (yes, I looked that word up) made its getaway.

Oh, and how does one go about getting their camera back from octopus?  By offering it a ride on your spear gun, of course…

Thanks to Dbj for the link.

Thanks to our friends at Yardbarker, and susequently Jimmy Traina’s Monday A.M. Hot Clicks, I came across this lovely video of some of the Rumors and Rants crew asking Duke fans why everyone loathes them so. The premise being, of course, that the average college basketball fan does, in fact, hate the Dukies.

Makes sense. I mean, I at least half-heartedly agree with the premise, though I’m not exactly sure why, so why not go to the source, right? Right. Well, this was all good and fine until I stumbled upon this ESPN Sportsnation Poll later in the afternoon (thanks, Dbj). More specifically the question: “Who are you rooting for to win the championship?” The results, SHOCKING…

When I completed the questionnaire I think I was something like taker 20,107, so we’ve at least got a good sample.  But what’s this, 33.3% rooting for Duke?  26.1% for the Mountaineers?  20.5% for those feisty, mid-major Bulldogs from Butler, leaving just 20.1% for Tom Izzo’s Spartans?  Uncanny, and an outrage at that.

Seriously, notwithstanding potential financial motivation, who the hell out there in “Sportsnation” that isn’t (1) a  fan of one of the Final Four participants; (2) doesn’t have to sleep with a fan of one of the Final Four participants; and/or (3)  isn’t trying to sleep with a fan of one of the Final Four participants is not pulling for Butler to win the whole damn thing?

Maybe, just maybe, there happens to be a lot of closet Duke sympathizers out there that only come out under the cover of internet anonymity. Either way, I want names and explanations, ’cause, frankly, if you fall outside one of those aforementioned categories, pulling for Butler may or may not be moral obligation.  We’re looking into it…

Nevertheless, I’m not here to judge. I’m just here to use this opportunity to provide you with some more fantastic screens of Coach K’s magnificent app (pandas and dragons included)! That’s right, Frumpsters, just for you, I actually managed to find my way out of New York, hopped a plane to China and then went for a lovely jog on Duke’s gloriously Gothic campus. It just keeps getting better and better…and by “better” I mean absolutely insane…

Before Coach K would officially let me escape from New York, I had to answer this trivia question correctly.

Here I am on the Great Wall of China. Tourists and dragons and bears (pandas), oh my!

My reenactment of the 1968 Summer Olympics 200 meter medal ceremony

At the Chapel on Duke's campus. Beautiful.

Shooting a nature documentary on Duke's campus. Seriously, WTF?

Blending in with the Cameron Crazies.

And just when I thought after completing three bat shit crazy levels of "racing" I was going to be rewarded with something actually related to Coach K (basketball), I'm informed that I'll need to find someone else on the face of the planet, in BlueTooth range, no less, that not only has the app, but has also actually gone through same gauntlet I have. Read: No human being in existence, now or ever, will ever play anything resembling basketball via Coach K's iPhone app.

]]> http://www.frumpzilla.com/frumpzilla_site/articles/coach-ks-iphone-app-is-part-of-the-pride-of-the-university-new-screens-too/feed/ 1 http://www.frumpzilla.com/frumpzilla_site/articles/hands-on-with-the-coach-k-iphone-app-with-screens/ http://www.frumpzilla.com/frumpzilla_site/articles/hands-on-with-the-coach-k-iphone-app-with-screens/#comments Wed, 24 Mar 2010 13:43:04 +0000 Ciaran http://www.frumpzilla.com/?p=1953 When I first heard about Coach K’s new iPhone app, via our own Twitter page no less (thanks B-Diddy), I have to say that I fully expected the shortened url accompanying the tweet to take me to some parody site/article, one perhaps hosted/written by a Heels fan, or actually anyone unaffiliated with Duke University for that matter. It didn’t. Instead I was directed to Coach K’s official website, and an entry announcing the March 23rd release of Coach K’s first foray into the iPhone’s app store. Wow.

Needless to say, I still thought this was some sort of joke. April Fools’ come early? Had to be, but then I wanted to be certain. Next step, whip out the trusty iPhone, tap into the app store, and do a quick search for “Coach K.” Lo and behold, there she was. Simple icon, glossy blue. “Coach K” written in white. Calm, cool, somewhat collected. Somewhat like Coach K.

Was I satisfied? Absolutely not. Did I drop the $2.99 to download the app just to make sure? I did. Will I be writing this expenditure off as a necessary business expense come April 2011? Most likely. Make the jump with us for Frumpzilla’s hands on look at Coach K’s latest step towards global media domination in his post-basketball years.

To be clear, “global media domination” may or may not entail opening up a travel agency, because, in all honesty, that’s pretty much the only thing that could logically follow from the release of this app.  Seriously, it’s all quite bizarre.

You start out here, where, before Coach K allows you to visit any of his favorite destinations (New York, China and, of course, Durham), you have to create an avatar.  Not bad, really.  I mean, that’s a lovely pic of Coach K working his magic in front of some relevant landmarks.  The menu buttons actually worked, too, so that was nice.

The real highlight, though, is the music.  Man, I really wish I was a bit more tech savvy, Frumpsters, ’cause this is really something you’d need to hear to appreciate.  Doing my futile best to put it into words, it’s a polyrhythmic beat consisting of drums, congas and one of those triangle things from elementary school music class. 

Now, this would all be fairly standard if not for the  backing vocals; a sonic experience that almost defies any non-audial form of description.  Imagine Chewbacca hitting, like, a really big bubbler, or something…over and over again, in a loop.  Seriously, it’s something else.  After that track’s over you get a dish of some classic 80′s guitar rock that could very well be an outtake from the Top Gun soundtrack’s cutting room floor. Think “Danger Zone: Reprise.”

Naturally, I’m really, really confused at this point, so let’s just go ahead and make our avatar.  Starting off with a name and simple “male or female” options, you then get a screen where you can add some further details to your Coach K iPhone app persona.  In an effort to be as inclusive as possible, I guess, the developers included some rather interesting skin tone options. 

There’s what I’d describe as “white” and “dark white,” of course, but the inclusion of green, burnt orange, pink and, remarkably, Carolina Blue is something I’m still trying to wrap my mind around.  Curiously enough, there didn’t appear to be a “Black” or “African-American” equivalent option.  Quite strange given the inclusion of green, but I’m gonna give Coach K the benefit of the doubt on this one.  The next screen allows you to customize clothes, hairstyles, eye color, etc., but I kinda just breezed through it.  I mean, let’s face it:  Was I virtually salivating at the thought of checking out these “trend-setting graphics” I’d just paid three bucks for? Absolutely.

So, after a long pep talk from Coach K in which he seamlessly weaved highlights of his world travels into lessons on the importance of watching your step around dragons, pandas and Cameron Crazies (you can see the speech at the bottom of this post), here I am down on the streets of New York City. Why I’m standing next to a giant, tranny busker, I’m not sure.  Nevertheless, since the entire tutorial literally consisted of “Use the thumb pad on the left to control your runner.  Use the jump button on the right to jump over obstacles,” I figured I’d explore the space a bit.

Here I am waiting in line for one of those famous hot dogs from a heralded NYC street vendor

Moments later, chatting up the hooker I noticed standing on the corner while I was waiting for my hot dog. Wait, is that a cop car?

Well damn. Should have seen that coming, eh? Luckily, the cop let me off when I told him I'd just downloaded Coach K's iPhone app for $2.99. No need to rub salt in the wound, right?

Okay, I admit it.  I was lost.  Lost in New York, green as can be, and, worst of all, the controls were sluggish as hell. It basically felt like I was running around aimlessly in search of some random finish line to which there was no direction, no guide, no help menu.  Fortunately, I didn’t come across too many of what one would exactly call “obstacles.”  I did, however, fall into a couple of manholes.  This was exciting at first, because it triggered the following screen:

Alas, however, just as quickly as Coach K and his magic stardust had appeared to seemingly beckon me home, he was gone (and I was back with the the giant tranny busker, being solicited (for tips)).

In the end, I guess my overall impression of Coach K’s iPhone app can be summed up quite succinctly.  Won’t need three paragraphs, three sentences…even three words.  Three letters will more than suffice.  WTF?

To be completely fair, that damn Chewbacca track at the beginning, assuming it can be ripped/extracted, may be worth the $2.99 in and of itself

New screen shots can be found here. Just incredible…

As you can see from the picture on the left, most of the Democrats in Congress are pretty dang excited about this.  Needless to say, really, Congressional Republicans, every single one of them, in fact, aren’t nearly as amused.  Nevertheless, partisan politics aside, every time this whole health care reform debate seems to make any progress, aren’t we simply left with more pressing questions?  Some of which are irretrievably confusing and unsettling?

For instance, having come across this photo now, are we nothing less than obligated to ask just what the hell Perry Farrell was doing at the after party?  Or maybe that’s Ronnie Wood.  Either way, quite disturbing, isn’t it?

Rear Admiral with the tip

Upon Brown’s passing back in 2006, initial reports suggested it was the drugs, alcohol and painkillers the hardest working man in show business was doing to death that brought about his demise at the tender age of 73.  Ms. Pettit, however, believed there was foul play, but her requests for an autopsy have been repeatedly denied.  In light of this, LaRhonda now thinks her father’s body is being hidden to ensure a full post-mortem examination is never performed, sparing any alleged perpetrators the big payback that would surely await them once discovered.

Of course, strange things happen, and there’s certainly a chance, however slim, that Brown may be back up on the good foot, living in America and making it funky in ways never thought possible.  In that case, who knows, perhaps Brown will be delivering the payback himself.  Either way, this bizarre story is sure to leave many feeling bewildered.

Source: The Daily Mail (The Admiral with the link and shoop)

We present, SFW porn.  Frump it for the youtube – safe video and some marginally safe pictures…

Happy Friday

those space invaders have no chance!

Just to be clear, Frumpsters, this probably still isn’t anywhere near SFW. It is quite hilarious, however. And kids, if you’re under 18, viewing this video could give you genital herpes. Seriously. That’s been confirmed by German engineers. You’ve been warned.

1.  Why on earth is Curling separated into mutually exclusive Men’s and Women’s events?

I’ve been trying to figure this one out for quite some time, Frumpsters, and if someone has a legitimate answer (or even an illegitimate one), please let us know.  Let’s face it: there are a lot of “sports” in which men have a natural physical advantage over the better half of our species, and this often necessitates gender segregation in the realm of highly competitive athletic contests.  I won’t bother fleshing that notion out any further, because it goes without saying, and I do not apologize.

However, try as I might (and believe me, I’ve tried), I can’t for the life of me figure out how a man, or a woman for that matter, has or lacks any distinct advantage over the other when it comes to sliding a block of granite down a sheet of ice, and then subsequently directing teammates to scrub said ice with a broom in hopes of controlling the speed and spin of the stone.  Am I right?

I mean, I’m assuming, of course, that the primary (potentially exclusive) reason for gender segregation in sports is related to equal opportunity to compete/participate.  If that’s the case, why separate the Curling sexes?  Regardless, at least we get more Curling coverage under the current setup, which I’m sure makes Denmark’s Madeline Dupont very happy (however ironic that may be).

2.  Who engineered this concept of the  Short Track Relay?

Unfortunately, you really would have needed to see this event to know what I’m on about here.  And since NBC has Winter Olympic video locked down as if it were gold ingots in Fort Knox, if you didn’t, you may be a bit lost.

Nevertheless, for those that did have the chance to catch the Short Track Relay, I’m sure you, like me, were convinced that it’s one of the bigger logistical cock-ups since Washington D.C.  What a nightmare.

I wouldn’t be so perplexed by this one if it weren’t for teams getting disqualified for the slightest bumps and nudges on opponents.  Especially given we’re talking about an event that seems it was designed with a little contact in mind.  I mean, you’ve got, what, up to 16 skaters merging in and out of the rink at one time?  And the “relay” element of the event involves being pushed/boosted by your teammate as you’re about to start a lap?

I almost expect this event to become Roller-Derby on Ice within the next 50 years or so.  You heard it here first.

3.  Why aren’t we (the United States) more competitive in the Biathlon?

This one is truly bizarre.  Do Americans like to ski?  Check.  Are we pretty dang good at nearly every other event that incorporates some sort of skiing?  Check.  Is our society and culture relatively wrapped up and saturated with the allure and controversy of semi-automatic weapons?  Check plus…and yet the U.S. has never sniffed sweet Biathlon Gold, or even medaled at all.

Seriously, someone needs to get the NRA on this, or something.  The Biathlon has been an official Olympic event since 1960 (was on a trial basis since the 20′s) and we’ve never even medaled?  That’s Men’s, Women’s, singles, relays, etc. etc. etc., too.

This is particularly disturbing since it seems so right up our alley.  I mean, cross-country skiing combined with intermittent sessions of rifle range practice?  Where’s Chuck Heston when you need him?

4.  Just what the hell is going on in the Two Man Luge?

Listen, I’m actually not going for the cheap, obvious joke here.  It’s too easy.  I’m genuinely wondering what in god’s name someone had to be thinking when they came up with the idea for the Two Man Luge.

Most athletic competitions involve some sort of practical aspect to them; some relatively ascertainable element of measurement that actually means something to competitors and spectators alike.  Something to take pride in.

You know, the first down-hill skiers probably said: “Hey, I bet I can finish this course faster than you.”  That meant something.  The first figure skaters: “Hey, I bet I’m more graceful and less mistake prone than you on the ice, and can dress more ridiculously than you to boot.”  That meant something.  Even the first lugers: “Hey, I bet I can navigate this track on my sled faster than you.”  That meant something, too.  But who the heck said, essentially, “Hey, I bet I can luge this track faster than you…while Sven is riding on top of me, reverse cowboy style.  Lars can ride on you.”  Mind boggling.

Honestly, is the Two Man Luge really any less ridiculous than some hair-brained idea like the Piggy-Back Slalom, or something?  I’m sure I’m missing the point here, so please feel free to set me straight.

5.  Who at NBC signed off on their coverage of the Closing Ceremonies being appropriate?

Obviously not satisfied with selling Conan O’Brien short, NBC also decided to half-ass its support and coverage of the 2010 Game’s grand finale…in order to show the premier of Jerry Seinfeld’s new reality show, The Marriage Counselor (no wonder Seinfeld was so lukewarm about the shakeup).

I’m just glad I wasn’t the only one thrown for a loop by this.  Nearly 1,000 hours of Winter Olympic coverage, and that was the best NBC could do?  Tune back in at 30 minutes to midnight?  On a Sunday?  To be fair, did I really feel shafted by missing out on performances from Avril Lavigne and Nickelback?  No.  A nice little melodramatic montage of tears, celebratory evocations and the like would have been nice, though.

Then again, it’s NBC.  It’s Seinfeld.  I guess I shouldn’t be all that surprised.

]]> http://www.frumpzilla.com/frumpzilla_site/articles/5-curiou-questions-about-the-winter-olympics/feed/ 7 http://www.frumpzilla.com/frumpzilla_site/articles/epic-beard-mans-punch-out/ http://www.frumpzilla.com/frumpzilla_site/articles/epic-beard-mans-punch-out/#comments Fri, 26 Feb 2010 19:49:17 +0000 Ciaran http://www.frumpzilla.com/?p=1677 Man, this brings back some memories…some old, some new. Either way, fairly frumptastic stuff. Especially the subtle incorporation of Amber Lamps in various forms. Love it…

(Dbj with the tip)

Well, apparently juggalos now have a news channel tailored specifically to their kind and culture. Seriously, utterly fascinating. Enjoy, but please mind the rather harsh, esoteric language…

If you still need some help defining just what the hell a “juggalo” is, apparently this is a fairly good place to start, and thanks to dbj for educating me in the mysterious ways of the juggalo.

I was advised that simply rating a whole butt load of movies I’d seen was a good place to start, because this would enable the service to make better suggestions.  Made sense.

So I’m sitting there, rating up a storm under all genres,  and intrigued by how Netflix classifies each type before asking how often I watch that type:  Old School, “College Movies”; Full Metal Jacket, “Military Movies”; Gangs of New York, “Period Pieces”; Rudy, “Movies Based on Real Life”; Once Upon a Time in America, “Gangster Movies,”  etc. etc. etc.  You know, enjoying seeing how all the pieces come together.

Well, at some point I come across Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle (which I find quite entertaining under certain circumstances), rate it, and then get the message that you see pictured here…

Now, remember that I’m a complete Netflix novice, and everything I’m writing is expected to be read in that context, but would it be a stretch to suggest that there’s at least a brief hint of bizarre hilarity here?

I mean, I certainly understand there are a lot of jokes based on racial, ethnic and cultural stereotypes in Harold and Kumar, but is “Racism” an actual genre?  A sub-genre, even?  Am I watching the celluloid embodiment of racism, in glorious 1080p, when I pop in the Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle Blu Ray?  If I am, is that, like, wrong?

Is Netflix trying to tell me that by enjoying Harold and Kumar, I’m at least passively endorsing bigotry?  If that’s the case, can some more experienced Netflix users warn me about what other films fall into this category?  I mean, I obviously have a lot of questions, and I think I have a right to know.

That is all (and thanks to dbj).

A year ago we offered the lonely hearts out there some advice aimed at landing them an eleventh hour date for the big day (we’re confident we helped some people get lucky that night, and don’t you dare try to take that away from us). This year, however, we’re going in a slightly different direction, but only in form.

Just as one should never underestimate the power of subtle innuendo, one should also never underestimate the raw, unbridled aphrodisiacal prowess of food. Especially even remotely Freudian food.  Like sausage.  Or nuts.  Or bananas. Or even, dare I say, Taco Bell’s Cheesy Double Beef Burrito (yeah, the one with that catchy jingle).

All uniquely suggestive in their own capacity, yes, but just what the frump would happen if one were to combine them?  Well, that’s for you to find out…by serving up one or more of the following culinary masterpieces (after the jump) as your Valentine’s Day circumstances may dictate.

Seriously, why take her out when your sausage is sure to give her one of the more memorable Valentine’s Day experiences of her life?

For the Mediterranean ladies, we have the fresh mozza ball, garlic, roasted red pepper and basil stuffed sausage.  Mmmmm.  Fill her up with this and a nice bottle of Chianti, and she’ll be begging for some cannoli in no time.

If your Valentine is closer to a  down home country gal, lord knows she’ll be expecting double the pork (but then who isn’t these days?).  No problem.  Make her squeal by simply stuffing your Jimmy Dean with bacon and bacon salt, then wrap it up with full strips of whatever bacon you have left over, as seen below.

For those partial to more of a Latin flavor, your chorizo is in luck.  Do a little extra prep work and make a run to the border for a Cheesy Double Beef Burrito from Taco Bell.  Also, do your best not to devour it on the way home.  Easier said than done, perhaps, but trust us; your fortitude and discipline in this matter will pay off exponentially once she credits you for the best piece she’s ever had (of a sausage stuffed with a Cheesy Double Beef Burrito from Taco Bell).

Finally we have a bit of a catch-all, and, hell, one that could seal the deal in even the worst of situations .  This pork will take a bit more effort, but then you’ll score some points by demonstrating that your sausage is quite gourmet relative to all the other suitors she could be spending her evening with.

That’s right, have her dripping with desire upon her first taste of your maple sausage stuffed with honey, peanut butter, and a banana, then coated with brown sugar before being cooked in butter.  Make sure she knows you added your special pecan nut rum butter glaze as well, then sit back and watch her mouth explode with pleasure.

You’re set now, Frumpsters.  Even if she doesn’t take all of it down on that special night, rest assured that you’ll be one huge step closer to making your Valentine’s heart skip a beat.  Good luck!

I wish we could say these were Frumpzilla’s original recipes, but then I think our readers know by now that we’re just not that good.  The genius behind these meat masterpieces goes by the name “Fire it up” over at Smokingmeatforums.com (thank you, Reddit).  Check out that thread for some more pics and preparation tips.

]]> http://www.frumpzilla.com/frumpzilla_site/articles/get-your-sausage-in-her-mouth-on-valentines-day/feed/ 4 http://www.frumpzilla.com/frumpzilla_site/articles/9-inches-of-snow-and-9-inches-of-wait-wtf/ http://www.frumpzilla.com/frumpzilla_site/articles/9-inches-of-snow-and-9-inches-of-wait-wtf/#comments Tue, 26 Jan 2010 16:52:19 +0000 Ciaran http://www.frumpzilla.com/?p=1063 Ahhhh, the Interwebs. How I love ye so. Always keeping me on my toes, always keeping me in the know (however late to the game I am sometimes).

I suppose I should preface this video with a bit of a confession. There’s only 3 things in this world that I’m immediately and categorically, albeit irrationally, suspicious of: mimes, midgets (or “little people,” apparently, according to the flood of emails we’ve received recently); and weathermen. Then again, maybe I’m on to something…

Thanks to DBJ for the tip, so to speak…

Roxxxy stands 170cm (five feet, seven inches) tall, weighs 54.43kg (120lbs), “has a full C cup and is ready for action,” according to Mr Hines, who was an artificial intelligence engineer at Bell Labs before starting TrueCompanion.

Frump for more info on “how you can get your hands” on one…

Nerds and the socially inept rejoice!  Roxxxy is here to satisfy all of your manly needs.  Imagine, you dont even have to sign out of World of Warcraft to get your F on!

This Mick Jagger look-alike comes with five personalities and physical features you can customize.  It is also wirelessly linked to the internet to receive software updates and send its owner emails. Just dont let the fact that the designer was “inspired” by his male friend who was killed on 9/11.  Evidently, he set out to make a robot to re-create his friend’s personality and ended up with the ultimate jack-off machine.  Go figure. 

Ladies, dont feel left out, “Rocky” is on the way as well. 

-chese

For reasons that have yet to be made entirely clear, Kodey Alexander Kroger spent several weeks posing as a “student-recruiter” for the East Carolina Pirates’ football program.  Having pulled the same stunt at other area schools earlier in the year, Kroger showed up at Croatan this month asking to talk to coaches about offering preferred walk-on status to two Cougar prospects.  When asked for credentials he happily presented realistic looking documentation with ECU logos, letterhead and even coach Skip Holtz’s “signature.”  Kroger also claimed to be a Freshman member of the Pirate football team, and said the Pirates had instituted the “student-recruiting” program to provide the coaching staff more time to focus on other, presumably higher priority, areas…

Frump it here for more on this truly bizarre story

Were the Cougars satisfied?  Of course not.  Croatan Cougars don’t just let anyone who may or may not have even novice Photoshop skills, and could possibly afford some ECU apparel and resume paper from the local Super Walmart, walk in and meet with student-athletes and their families…they run a background check Google search first: “I e-mailed a friend of mine at Campbell, because when I Googled his name, his photo came up on Campbell’s Web site,” said Cougar Assistant Coach Scott McBride.  

It’s true, Kroger was actually recruited and signed to play football for the Division II Campbell Camels in 2009.  Shockingly, this didn’t pan out for some reason, which I guess gave Kroger some extra time to hatch his brilliant student-recruiter scheme.  Unfortunately for Coach McBride and Croatan, however, if the staff had only checked the next Google search result, they would have come across the additional weight of evidence offered by Kodey Kroger’s MySpace page, accessed as recently as this month, in which Kroger describes himself thusly:

Whats up people, im Kodey Kroger. I’m a pretty laid back guy and fairly easy to get along with.  I am a bouncer at a club in Morehead City, The Midnight Rodeo. I love playing football and lifting weights. Also ive recently really gotten into cage fighting. I recieved a football scholarship from Campbell University which i will be attending fall 2009. Anything else, just drop me a line!

There’s no mention of ECU or the Pirate football team anywhere on his page.  Nevertheless, for several days Kroger met with Croatan coaches, two student-athletes and parents regarding preferred walk-on status on the ECU football team.  It wasn’t until someone thought it might be wise to actually call the ECU Athletic Department to see if anyone had ever heard of this kid that the Cougars realized Kroger had them by the tail.  

Fortunately for all involved, there apparently was no attempt to defraud any coach, player or their families (not of anything tangible, anyway), and no charges have or will be filed against Mr. Kroger as no crime was actually committed.  Still, Kroger’s motive in all this is unclear.  There is speculation, however, that he may have some mental health issues, and, assuming that’s the case, we certainly hope Kodey gets any help he may need.

In the same breath, we hope Croatan gets some help on beefing up their procedures for granting clearance to recruiters, or anyone at all for that matter, to meet with student-athletes and their families. 

Let’s face it, in this day and age, stuff like “it was all very believable…He was dressed in all purple and had a purple notebook and such. He was offering walk-on vouchers, and they looked legitimate. He was able to defend his authority, and he gave us a lot of credentials,” and “he had ECU-embroidered documents. He had an authority letter given to him by Skip Holtz. And he looked to be about 6-2, 250 pounds, so he definitely looked like he was a college football player” shouldn’t cut it.  Should it?

Read the original source for this Frumpzilla entry at Carteret County News-Times Online  
 

Having been burdened with this cruel gift of unintended power and influence, just how relieved do you think I was to come across this beacon of ethereal, dernier cri genius? My god, to what do I owe this blessing?  This blessing of not being, just for once, the trailblazer, the standard-bearer for a vogue that is all but certain to sweep the world by storm.

How, in roughly 200,000 years of human ingenuity, acumen and innovation — aproximately 250 years of which included the donning of something likable to pants –, someone never thought to put cute little animal eyes, jowls and, yes, even clapperboards between the folds of skin beneath one’s ass cheeks and upper thigh is simply beyond my comprehension. Who says evolution is diminishing right in front of us?  Not I.  Not anymore.  Eat your heart out New York, Paris, Milan; here are Winkers (Patent Pending)…

UPDATE: Now even more Winkers after the Jump!

No Science, No!

Sooo…according to Yahoo a 70 year old Indian woman has given birth to an actual human.  This apparently ties another 70 yr old Indian woman as the worlds oldest mother.  Am I the only one wondering what the hell is going on!??!?!??!?!  Why is a 70 yr old woman giving birth!??!?!?? 

Let me start by saying, congratulations Science, you’ve done it again.  I understand the IVF treatment can do some good for younger mothers who are having trouble having children, but 70 yr olds?!?  Ya know, now that I think about it, the world is under populated by a drastic measure and we should recruit an army of women 65+ so they can pop out children at an alarming rate.  Then they can somehow reverse the aging process so these kids will actually have someone to raise them and we’ll all live forever!  Boundaries, Schmoundaries.

To be honest with you, I really only posted this story as an excuse to post a bit of my favorite comedy from one of my favorite comedians, Patton Oswalt.  As you’ll hear below, he and I see eye to eye on this subject and I’m sure you’ll enjoy this descriptive masterpiece!  (see Oswalts thoughts on the KFC’s famous bowls after the jump..)

So someone sent me this story and said: “this has Ciaran written all over it.”  I wasn’t quite sure how to take that at first, but, after a lot of self reflection, I’ve come to terms with it.  It’s true, I have been known to Frump about folks arguably taking a few too many liberties with inanimate objects.  And sure, maybe I’m a sucker for a classic American story about baby boomers suing Victoria’s Secret over defective thongs. But is that such a crime?

I mean, I’ve tackled the tough topics of the day as well.  Like why we should all consider switching to hybrid vehicles, and how to act appropriately on Secretary’s Day.  I’ve even, albeit reluctantly, addressed the general implausibility of deep seeded, Judeo-Christian religious traditions.  That being said, you just can’t pass up a report about a guy getting caught with his penis submerged in a pasta jar, having his way with it, and continuing to pleausre himself while resisting arrest. Oh, yeah, and there’s a Jack Russell Terrier involved, too, and it all went down at a place called Nobby’s Beach (seriously).  Make the jump for a recap of the festivities and link to the source article.

Don’t let the above pics fool you.  I’m making some assumptions there.  For one, I have no way of knowing if the pasta sauce in question was, in fact, a marinara.  I just felt , you know, that alfredo would be a little too crazy.  And the pup? Yeah, I can’t confirm that that’s the actual Jack Russell involved.  It probably isn’t.  What I can confirm, however, is that Keith Roy Weatherly, a 46 year old New South Wales man, led Australian officials on a brief, slow speed car chase a few weeks ago, and I imagine he felt it was worth it.

Weatherley’s first mistake was parking in a “no-stopping zone”, which apparently drew some police attention.  His second mistake was, well, simulating sexual intercourse with a jar of pasta sauce, and then not letting up when the cops asked him to.  The now infamous slow speed car chase began when Weatherly refused to exit the vehicle.

He was eventually forced out, but Mr. Weatherly and his beloved sauce are not soon parted.  That’s right, officers reported that Weatherly attempted to continue pleasuring himself between “bouts of wrestling”.  Understandable. I mean, why stop at that point, Keith?  What a trooper.  A search of Weatherly’s car uncovered pornography (oh really?), pantyhose, a homemade sex device, and, of course, a Jack Russell Terrier. I refuse to speculate upon that.

Fortunatley for Mr. Weatherly, the Austrailian penal system isn’t particularly hard on this type of crime.  After pleading guilty to Offensive Behaviour, Resisting Police and Disobeying a Police Direction (to remove his penis from a jar of pasta sauce), Weatherly was fined $600 and set free.

Now, I’m not one to judge, but I do think there’s a valuable lesson to be learned here, Frumpsters.  To each their own, live and let live, and so on, but if you’ve got an appetite for going the non-traditional route, and adding some sausage to your marinara, for Christ’s sake, make sure you’re not parked illegally.  I mean, that’s just common sense…

Source article

Florida State Senator Carey Baker is not concerned about voting scandals, the Miami Heat, the quality of life in senior citizen homes, poor education, or even the state of the economy. No Senator Baker is concerned about balls. The Senator is proposing legislation to prevent the use of metal bull balls on vehicles as ornaments.

Speaking of balls, it takes balls to drive in Florida. Their drivers are insane. I’m pretty sure the Florida driving test consists of coloring a stop light and straying outside of the lines.  

As being the mastermind behind what may go down as one of the boldest, if not stupidest, criminal endeavours in recent memory, Charles Ray Fuller has certainly left his mark.

About a week ago, Mr. Fuller casually waltzed into a Fort Worth bank and attempted to cash a check for $360 billion dollars.  Yeah, that’s right, he wrote out “$360,000,000,000″ on the face of the check. His story to the teller:  “My girlfriend’s mom gave me this so I could start my own record business.”  And yes, we’re serious.

The good news however, or at least the most bizarre, is that  banks follow a very strict procedure when issues like this come up: They call the owner of the check.  They don’t hand it back to you, or laugh in your face; they give you the benefit of the doubt.  Now that’s what I call customer service, and I’m glad to hear that it’s apparently making a come back.  Or am I?

Either way, so yeah, some bank employee, hopefully the teller, got on the horn to ask if someone had actually cut this check out to Chuck for $360 billion. . .to start a record business.  I’m not sure how I’d respond if I were on the other end of such a call, but I’m fairly confident it would involve uncontrollable laughter, followed by several uncompromising, “F-Bomb” clad attempts on my part to determine which one of my friends was trying to pull off such a hopeless prank.  Hopefully such discourse would be enough to get the point across to the bank, because I eventually would hang up on them in mid-plea, and $360 billion would trigger one hell of an overdraft penalty.

If you thought Chuck was just your average, run of the mill stupid criminal, think again. Apparently trying to pass a check for $360,000,000,000 simply wasn’t ballsy enough for Fuller, so he brought a concealed weapon and some Mary Jane along with him as well.  Not sure if it was customary for Chuck to roll like that or not, but, given the context of this incident, you’ve got to give him credit.  For what, I have no idea…

Yep, at at least $3.751 million a year for the next 5 years, a raise of nearly $2 million per year, Leslie has become the highest paid coach in the SEC.  Apparently he’ll be making exactly $1,000 more than the last guy that led LSU to a MNC, Nick Saban, who is currently in charge of restoring Alabama’s once proud tradition after failing to accomplish the same for the Miami Dolphins. 

So, $1,000 more, eh?  Really?  This may be the biggest “ego raise” I’ve ever seen, and the whole Saban-Miles-LSU thing just makes it that much more juicy.  But let’s not forget what Miles has done since he took the LSU job in 2005:  He’s gone 11-2, 11-2 and 12-2, and, of course, has that MNC in the case now, so he’s no slouch necessarily.  But is he worth $3.751 million?

Well, the MNC is probably the best argument that he is, but then it came in a truly bizarre year.  The Bayou Bengals managed to lose 2 games over the last 6 weeks of the regular season, including their last game, against Arkansas (whatever happened to the idea that losing late kills you?).  Yet at 12-2 they played for the SEC Championship and then the BCS Championship and came out on top.  Fair enough, but you know,  6 other teams finished the 2007 season with 2 losses:  BYU, Ohio State, Missouri, West Virginia, USC, and Georgia.  Two others actually finished with one loss, Hawaii and Kansas, though the Rainbow Warriors, and BYU for that matter, probably don’t bolster the point here.  What is the point, you ask?  Well, is it possible that Leslie is simply a victim, or perhaps “victor”, of circumstance? 

Miles has yet to go undefeated, or even post a 1 loss season; a feat that Jim Tressel, Mark Richt, Rich Rodriguez, Pete Carroll, Mack Brown, Urban Meyer, Tommy Tuberville, Phillip Fulmer, Steve Spurrier and, of course, Nick Saban have all managed.  That’s not an exclusive list by the way, just notables.  Hell, two of those cats are in Leslie’s division, let alone conference, and yet all of them, with the exception of Carroll and Saban, will be making, at best, close to $1 million less than Miles next year.  Mark Richt just got a raise after going 11-2 and winning his 2nd Sugar Bowl.  He’ll now be banking around 2.8 million a year.  He’s 1-0 against Miles.  $3.751 million?

But I’ll be honest, though I do think Miles is now overpaid, I’m really just using him as a vehicle to convey how flawed college football’s system of rewards is.  If things don’t change reasonably soon after the nature of the 2007 season (which deserves its own article), they probably never will, and that would be an unfortunate fate for my favorite sport.  The decision of who plays for the Mythical National Championship seems alomst completely arbitrary at this point, and driven by preconceived notions about what teams are really the “best”.  With his $2 million raise, Leslie has benefited from that after hauling in his MNC in 2007 (LSU was ranked #2 in both the AP and Coaches’ pre-season polls), but he’s obviously not to blame.

So, $3.751 million.  Wow.  That probably puts Leslie at #3 in the country.  Carroll reportedly edges him at around $3.8 million, but both he and Miles trail significantly behind one man:  Charlie Weiss, reportedly at around $4.3 million.  And we think Leslie is overpaid?  Sheesh…