So someone sent me this story and said: “this has Ciaran written all over it.” I wasn’t quite sure how to take that at first, but, after a lot of self reflection, I’ve come to terms with it.
It’s true, I have been known to Frump about folks arguably taking a few too many liberties with inanimate objects. And, sure, maybe I’m a sucker for a classic American story about baby boomers suing Victoria’s Secret over defective thongs — but is that such a crime?
I mean, I’ve tackled the tough topics of the day as well. Like why we should all consider switching to hybrid vehicles, and how to act appropriately on Secretary’s Day. I’ve even, albeit reluctantly, addressed the general implausibility of deep seeded, Judeo-Christian religious traditions.
All that said, you just can’t pass up a story about a guy getting caught with his penis submerged in a pasta jar, having his way with it, and continuing to pleasure himself while resisting arrest.
Oh, yeah, and there’s a Jack Russell Terrier involved, too, and it all went down at a place called Nobby’s Beach (seriously). Make the jump for a recap of the festivities and link to the source article.
Don’t let the above pics fool you. I’m making some assumptions there.
For one, I have no way of knowing if the pasta sauce in question was, in fact, a marinara. I just felt , you know, that alfredo would be a little too crazy.
And the pup? Yeah, I can’t confirm that that’s the actual Jack Russell involved. It probably isn’t. What I can confirm, however, is that Keith Roy Weatherly, a 46 year-old New South Wales man, led Australian officials on a brief, slow-speed car chase a few weeks ago, and I imagine he felt it was worth it.
Weatherley’s first mistake was parking in a “no-stopping zone,” which apparently drew some police attention. His second mistake was, well, simulating sexual intercourse with a jar of pasta sauce, and then not letting up when the cops asked him to. The now infamous slow-speed car chase began when Weatherly refused to exit the vehicle.
He was eventually forced out, but Mr. Weatherly and his beloved sauce are not soon parted. That’s right, officers reported that Weatherly attempted to continue pleasuring himself between “bouts of wrestling.”
Understandable. I mean, why stop at that point, Keith? What a trooper!
A search of Weatherly’s car uncovered pornography (ORLY?), pantyhose, a homemade sex device, and, of course, a Jack Russell Terrier. I refuse to speculate upon that.
Fortunately, for Mr. Weatherly, the Australian penal system isn’t particularly hard on this type of crime. After pleading guilty to “Offensive Behaviour,” “Resisting Police” and “Disobeying a Police Direction” (to remove his penis from a jar of pasta sauce), Weatherly was fined $600 and set free.
Now, I’m not one to judge, but I do think there’s a valuable lesson to be learned here, Frumpsters:
To each their own, live and let live, and so on. But, if you’ve got an appetite for going the non-traditional route, and adding some sausage to your marinara, for Christ’s sake, make sure you’re not parked illegally.
I mean, that’s just common sense…