Don’t let guilt consume you this Thanksgiving: Turkeys are smug, vicious creatures.

Thu, Nov 25, 2010 at 11:41 pm ET

Feathers and Fur, Kissed With Apocalypse

Frumped by


As what I’m sure was another wonderful Thanksgiving Day winds down for our dozens of adoring fans, Frump just wanted to pass along some info that may or may not help you sleep a bit easier throughout the holiday weekend.

Let’s face it, despite the tryptophanic bliss you’re likely lost in at the moment, there’s probably quite a bit to feel guilty about right now.

You most likely overate. Already plotting out those extra gym sessions this weekend?

Perhaps you drank too much as well. I’m sure at least one of member of your extended family is questioning just how rare an occurrence passing out in the barcalounger with a 3/4-full beer in your hand is for you.

Maybe you even had a little tiff with that in-law or, otherwise estranged, family member you only see or hear from twice a year. Yeah, probably the same one that’s dropping the “does (s)he usually drink that much?” question on folks right now.

But, despite all that — and the fact that you burned the macaroni casserole — there’s still yet another, far more menacing concern plaguing your conscience, isn’t there? That’s right, the poor, defenseless turkey you just stuffed yourself with.

Never fear, however. Though you may not realize it, you’ve just helped control the population of perhaps the most dangerous member of the poultry family. And I can prove it (after the jump).

This turkey had it coming

Just look at that smug SOB. He had it comin'...

Ostensibly, the greatest source of Thanksgiving guilt for many is simply the countless number of sweet, “innocent” turkeys slaughtered in the name of what’s essentially a harvest celebration. You know, the seasonal gathering of mature crops from the fields?

Well, as disturbing as that “Gobblers Gone Wild” video was up there — not least due to the soundtrack — chances are you weren’t eating a wild turkey this year. No, you were probably eating one processed at some horrific, sensationalist documentary-worthy slaughterhouse, but that’s neither here nor there.

See, there’s no reason to lament the loss of a turkey, folks — not even the specicidal levels of loss brought about by Thanksgiving. Contrary to popular belief, turkeys are actually fierce, ferocious creatures, and may or may not have attacked more Americans this year than sharks, killer bees, bears, and bed bugs combined.

So, yeah: Ultimately, notwithstanding how tasty they happen to be, they deserve it. The turkeys, I mean.

Don’t believe me? Check out the video evidence offered below:

Here they are attacking a defenseless mother and child, forcing them into oncoming traffic in the process. Based on the sound of her screams, I don’t even want to know what was going on off-camera…

When not forcing pedestrians into traffic, they’re perfectly content to try and cause automobile accidents…

And after someone’s wrapped their car around a telephone pole, or something, turkeys have no qualms about interfering with people trying to save lives…

Or the news reporters trying to warn us all of our impending doom…

Seriously, folks, if not for Thanksgiving, scenes like this would be all too common…

Just a matter of time before they’d be in our backyards…

And invading our homes.

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