In the spirit of the popular Eat This…Not That literature running amuck, I aim to illuminate delicious treats from coast to coast and abroad with complete disregard for caloric intake, because how may of us have had a memorable smoothie, or unforgettable steamed veggies? Not likely my friend….but if you are like me then that 3000 calorie chocolate covered cookie/donut hybrid you had with your coffee yesterday, or that steak and cheese dipped in its own grease and deep fried at the fair speak to you on a deeper level. This column is dedicated to those who throw caution to the wind, and nosh righteously whilst telling Richard Simmons to fuck off.
So the big eaters, and conscientious objectors to healthy living out there can attempt to stay under the radar (shitballs, aren’t all wraps healthy after all)…I propose for you the first installment of Eat This….AND That! The McSnackWrap.
History: It all starts with the killing of India’s most sacred cows. The meat is tenderized, stored and ferried across the 7 seas by the ghost of blackbeard himself, who delivers his payload to a secret processing plant inhabited by Jim Henson’s fraggles. (I bet you didn’t know they were excellent butchers) The fraggles do their business under mystic trance, packaging the discs of meat delicately into freezer safe shipping boxes, where they are blessed by the llama himself, and immediately loaded into the back of a station wagon driven by a drunken/stoned Nate Newton (he’s used to some weight in the trunk) for delivery to your local McDonalds to be sliced, sauced, and wrapped.
Why its Awesome: Hey, it’s a Big Mac, wrapped in a tortilla….’nuff said.
Health Specs: It’s hard to come by the actual info on any McDonald’s sanctioned website, but one source has reported that each wrap contains 350 calories, and 21 grams of fat. (Traditional Big Mac sandwich has 540 calories and 29 grams of fat) So I say EAT 2!
Summary/Analysis: It’s a handheld, cheap, car ready version of the big mac. Grab 2 or 3 or 4 and go to town….its delicious, it looks like Mexican food (shit…did they hire David Blaine to pull this deception off), and it won’t hurt your pocket. Fries and a drink too??…no doubter….unless you wear ballet slippers and pee sitting down!
How best to partake:
JV: Pound multiple McSnackWraps on your way home when you know your lady is serving couscous and rice cakes for dinner. (Don’t forget to wipe off that special sauce playboy!)
Varsity: Pound multiple McSnackWraps and a fried apple pie, tell your lady you aren’t interested in dinner because you “Already had a wrap and some fruit”….toss on some workout clothes, sprinkle some water on and about your person, and throw P90x in the dvd player. Time the workout to finish as your lady walks though the door. (don’t forget to toss in a breath mint)