Last Minute Dating Advice, Courtesy of Frumpzilla’s Ever Listening Ear

Fri, Feb 13, 2009 at 3:04 pm ET

Kissed With Apocalypse, The Rest

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Yes, you too can pick up hot chicks (or possibly get kicked in the balls) Well, Frumpsters, Valentine’s Day is right around the corner tomorrow, and I’m fairly certain there are quite a few lonely hearts out there that could use a little help landing a last second date.  Sure, you could pick up a Cosmo, or Men’s Health or something on your way out the grocery store, or maybe try to squeeze in a marathon of that weirdo on VH1, but all that costs valuable time and money, and who really wants to expend any more of such resources than you already have to on a date, let alone one on Valentine’s Day.

Unfortunately, I’m confident that I’m in no position to give anyone dating advice (far from it, actually), but I do know “good” advice when I hear it. Even if I have to eavesdrop, which is what I did on my lunch break the other day…

(More after the Jump)

So yeah, I’m enjoying my weekly to bi-weekly culinary sampling of Wendy’s 99 cent, Super Value Menu (it’s a tough economy, people), when two employees from the adjacent Captain D’s walk over to apparently partake of the same.  I assume they either don’t comp your meals at Captain D’s, or that the food is just that much better at Wendy’s.  My guess is the latter, but, either way, that’s neither here nor there.  Anyway, after getting their grub, these two grab a table within earshot of the large corner booth that I’d claimed for myself and my Crispy Chicken Sandwich, and, not too long after digging in, begin a rather intriguing discussion.

Apparently one of these heartbreakers was rather anxious about asking his most recent crush out on a date.  Being slight of build, somewhat funny looking, even ill-gened perhaps, and exuding an inescapable essence of social awkwardness, he’d of fit right in here at Frumpzilla.  Understandable, then, that he was soliciting some friendly advice from his, presumably more seasoned, companion; a young man that, although somewhat of a caricature, clearly considered and carried himself as a bit of a player…

The following dialogue is based on an actual conversation.  It has been reconstructued, and perhaps polished up a bit, to the best of my recollection. Only the names have been changed, because, well, I don’t know the real names:

Alphonso [The player, putting his junior bacon cheeseburger down in anticipation of a lengthy discussion]: Here’s what you do, man.  Call her up and say “Hey, Vonda.  I’d really like to meet you out for a drink.”  That’s it, man.  That’s all you gotta do.

Baxter [the would be Frumpzilla intern, soaking it all in]: That’s it?  That easy, huh?  Okay, but I don’t know where to say we should meet up.

Alphonso: Doesn’t matter.  Just make sure it’s some place crowded, and kinda loud.  Now, you’ll need to get there early, though.  You need to be there before she gets there, and get a seat where you’ll be able to see her when she walks in.

Baxter [still intrigued, noisily slurping down the remnants of his Biggie soda]: Okay…

Alphonso: Okay, now, when she comes in, meet her in the middle of the bar, before she can get to the table.  Stare at her, dead in the eyes, for about 5 seconds, make her REALLY uncomfortable…

Baxter [confused (as am I)]: Huh? Heh-heh, you’re joking, right?

Alphonso: No, dude, just listen.  Alright, after you’re done breaking her down, say “This is what’s going to happen: First, I’m going to take you back to my place, and pour REALLY hot cocoa butter all over your body, after that I’m going to…”, well, wait, what’s this chick like?  I mean, is she, you know, all sweet and innocent like, or is she a slut?

Baxter [1/2 laughing, 1/2 mortified]: Uhhh, I don’t know, dude, what the hell are you…

Alphonso [interjecting, beginning to show signs of frustration]: Dude, do you want my help or not?  I mean, do you really want to compare resumes here?  I think I may know what I’m talking about, okay? Better than you at least, right?

Baxter [conceding the point]: Yeah, man, yeah.  It’s just, you know, this is all new to me, and, to be honest, it sounds kinda f*cked up…

Alphonso [apparently understanding how someone like Baxter (and me) must be feeling right now]: It’s cool, man.  Just trust me, I wouldn’t lead you astray.  Okay, so is she a good girl or a common whore?

Baxter [emotionally exhausted]: I don’t know, man. I mean, I don’t know her that well, you know?.  I was kinda just thinking dinner and a movie here…

Alphonso [amused]: Dinner and a movie?  What, are you trying to marry this girl or something [laughs to himself]?  Dude, at this point, you should just be worrying about trying to get a piece, alright?  All that dinner and a movie stuff comes later.

Baxter: Well, I guess you’re right.  I mean, I’m not trying to marry her, and it’s been a long time since, you know…

Alphonso [even more amused]: Right, heh-heh, yeah, I KNOW. Well, I’ll just give you the options, then:  If she’s the whore we all hope she is, you go with this after the cocoa butter bit: “…I’m gonna f*&! the sh*t out of you all night long”; if she’s nice and innocent, just say “…I’m gonna make sweet, sweet love to you all night long”, got it?  Same thing, you know, just, like, phrased a different way.

Baxter: Uhhh, yeah, I guess…

Alphonso: Okay, then you say “After that, we’ll have a glass or two, and I’ll smoke a cigarette…”

Baxter: But I don’t smoke…

Alphonso [Hangs head down, fully frustrated]: You’re killin’ me, man.  Seriously, just work with me here, alright?  Roll with it.  Pick up a pack of Parliaments from the BP over there or something, I don’t care, but your attitude is starting to make me wonder why I’m even helping you in the first place.

Baxter [uncomfortably apologetic]: Yeah, sorry, that was stupid. I’ll try not to interrupt anymore.

Alphonso: It’s cool, man, just chill, I’m almost done anyway.  Okay, so after that you say “Then we’ll make love again, grab a bath, and after that I’ll ask you to leave…And I’ll never acknowledge your existence again for the rest of my life.”

Baxter [after about a 5-10 second period of silence]: Uhhh, then what?

Alphonso: That’s it, then you take her home.

Baxter [in mild shock]: Dude, you’re telling me that works?

Alphonso [confidently]: Hey, it does for me.  Let me know how it goes…

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2 Responses to “Last Minute Dating Advice, Courtesy of Frumpzilla’s Ever Listening Ear”

  1. B Diddy Says:

    I would’ve read that, but I was too busy trying to figure out if the picture was an actual product and finding out where I can buy it.

  2. the friend zone guide Says:

    Understandable, then, that he was soliciting some friendly advice from his, presumably more seasoned, companion; a young man that, although somewhat of a caricature, clearly considered and carried himself as a bit of a player…the friend zone guide

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