Lee Folwer: The Final Interview

Tue, May 4, 2010 at 1:27 pm ET

College Basketball, College Football

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For the past ten years, one man has has reigned over NC State athletics. This man, at times, has been both myth and legend. One thing he has not been is effective. This man is @Lee_Folwer. Today, Folwer steps down from his post and moves on to the next step in his life. Not before sitting down with us in the Frumpzilla offices(read: the internet).

You’ve all enjoyed his quips and thoughts on Twitter, however we are both excited and saddened to bring you his final interview ever. It wasn’t cheap (who needs profit anyways?), but at least we are now familiar with the ins-and-outs of wiring money to the Cayman Islands. After the Frump is the entire transcript of @Lee_Folwer’s last interview.

Questions from the Frumpzilla staff in italics, Lee’s responses/commentary in red.

First, I want to make a statement.  NC State has offered me an opportunity to do what I do best….NOTHING!!!   AND I STILL GET FREAKIN’ PAID?  HOW SWEET IS THAT????  Look, we all know how gullible these people are, but Jesus H. tap dancing Christ…not even I expected this one.

So, I gotta continue going through the motions for another month or so, but then it’s hello Branson, goodbye lunatic fringe.  The big LOL cat is in ur bank account cashin’ ur chex, baaaaby.

So, what the hell, I’ll take your questions…

The Admiral:  Lee — tell us about your favorite Homecoming memory while at NC State.

The details are sorta fuzzy, but it’s gotta be the one where Oblinger took me, Ruffin McNeil, and a couple of unnamed donors down to Cabo to watch it on television.  There was so much tequila on that private plane, I don’t even remember who we played.  I do remember the girl who won our Mexican homecoming queen pageant could scratch behind her ears with her feet, though.  Those were the days…

The Admiral:  What person associated with NC State athletics, employed by the university or otherwise, do you feel the closest kinship with?

Sorry.  I can’t talk about that one.  There’s a restraining order.

The Admiral:  What is your favorite charity?

If I had to pick just one, it would probably be UNICEF.  They do good work.  If you think about it, without them, NC Central wouldn’t have half the students it does today.

The Admiral:  Could you ever envision a career in politics?

I’m sure I could win an office if I ran, because I’m all about winning, but I think I would see myself more in a diplomatic role.  Put it this way, I wouldn’t turn my country down if I could be Ambassador in Hawaii or maybe Vegas.

The Admiral:  The V8 5.7 or the V8 5.0 and why? (Firebird engines)

It doesn’t matter.  A bird with a pull start Briggs and Stratton still pulls in ass like a black hole.

The Admiral:   If your sock drawer has 6 black socks, 4 brown socks, 8 white socks, and 2 tan socks, how many socks would you have to pull out in the dark to be sure you had a matching pair?

What in the hell do you think I have a wife for?  If she’s too stupid to turn on the lights, that’s her problem, not mine.

The Admiral:   What is on your “bucket list”?

Usually regular, but if it’s on my expense account, I go with extra crispy.

Cochese:  If you could trade your mustache (RIP) for any in the world, whose would it be?

Let’s put this mustache mess to bed once and for all.

The accident is still a deeply painful subject for me.  I feel like a rape victim because I was robbed of my personality by big corporate greed and faulty product design.  I read every word in the Remington Trimmer Owner’s Manual.  It said nothing about blade guard failure or any warnings about operating it after drinking only six or seven glasses of wine.

This is far from over.  I WILL have justice.

B-Diddy: At the start of your tenure here, is this where you hoped NCSU would be in a decade?

I’ve always liked Raleigh, so I see no reason to change that, but if we were going to move it, Branson would have been my choice.

B-Diddy: So much of your success seems to be easily attributable to Mr. Bobby Purcell and his exhaustive fundraising efforts, where does your contribution fit in?

I taught Purcell every thing he knows, to be honest with you, and no matter what people think, we wouldn’t even have some of the big butts to kiss if it weren’t for me.  That is a direct result of my professional swagger and suave disposition.  It takes a real smooth talker to get big money suckers in your back pocket.  You either have to be born with that talent, like yours truly, or take years learning.  Bobby is learning.

B-Diddy: Tell the truth, have you ever taken a Lifetime Rights contract, rolled a cigar with it, and giggled to yourself on your boat?

Did Kennel tell you this?  You can’t tell that senile old dingbat anything.  He probably made that up.

B-Diddy: Is your departure going to be emotional or are you ready to move on somewhere where you will be appreciated?

I’m sure there will be a lot of tears from the staff in the Case Center for the next few weeks.  Personally, I don’t think one man will be able to fill my loafers, plain and simple.

As to appreciated, look pal, I am appreciated every where I go.  You can see it in women’s eyes.  Just walk into any Waffle House with me on a Saturday morning when I’m wearing my track suit.  It’s like the waitresses are all hypnotized.  Again, this is something I was just born with.  That’s just how the big guy rolls, daddy-o.  He don’t need your stinkin’ job with a  pocket full of buy out cash.

B-Diddy: Are you confident you’ll be able to postpone your departure from NC State long enough to get one last free golf trip to Ireland?

Truthfully the Ireland trip is really why I chose to bag the job, now I can tell you that.  I can’t think of any sane person who would willingly go overseas with Coach Nyquil and a crew of backwoods farmers.  Now, thank GOD, it won’t be me.  Let that memo-writing dwarf squire those yokels around.

As to golf, hell, I built my own course just so I wouldn’t have to wait for tee times.  Lonnie’s name might be on it, but make no mistake about who owns it, baby.  That’s big daddy’s track.  Life membership has its perks.

B-Diddy: There was a report of your daughter approaching a fan at a basketball game to defend your honor, saying “I don’t wear a shirt into your Dad’s work that says he sucks”. Do you appreciate your family fighting your fights for you? Do you appreciate the passion your family has for the job you’re doing?

Look, Folwerette means well but, to be honest, she sorta missed the stop at the brain station.  Granted, she loves her daddy, but she also believes in the Easter Bunny.  You folks need to give her a break.

As to my family’s passion, hell, they’re all women.  Passion’s a good thing except for the time one of them invited that biker gang up to the lake.  It took poolboy a month to overseed those donuts.

B-Diddy: Word has it you’ve been interviewing at quite a few schools before Mississippi State, San Diego State included. Is it disheartening to move in your mind from San Diego to Mississippi? What went wrong with that SDS interview?

Like I said before, I know my magnetism works on women, but others see it, too.  I won’t lie, I looked at other opportunities, but it’s hard to find the combination of low expectations, nice cash, a tv show, and a free golf course I had at State.

As to San Diego, I really wasn’t impressed, but the people out there are gullible as hell.  They have some ship tied up near there they call the Queen Mary.  Those people actually pay good money to go on board and walk around.  They don’t even know the real one hit an iceberg and sunk even after there was a damn movie about it!  Make no mistake, I could sell LTR’s to those rubes.

Overall though, that entire situation just didn’t seem right.  I think the whole place is a big fake. We drove up and down that damn beach and never even saw the Golden Gate Bridge.  After that, things just smelled fishy, and trust me, I was at Memphis, so I know fishy.

B-Diddy: The latest Director’s Cup standings have Miss. St. at #66 among the 66 BCS schools and #146 overall. In comparison, NC State is #60 among BCS schools and #88 overall. Does it excite you to move to a position where even minimal work will show progress and allow you to switch on cruise control until retirement?

From what I know, unless it’s full of Rebel Yell, those folks don’t give a damn about any cup.  It would take even less effort than here to do that job.

Ciaran: My girlfriend — sorry, ladies — was banned from Carter-Finley Stadium for life during the Duke game last season. In the citation the officer clearly recounted that, from peeping through the cracks of a bathroom stall, she discovered my significant other was mixing an alcoholic beverage by pouring airplane bottles into her soft drink.

Where do you stand on the issue of “stall gazing” as a method to ensure fans comply with Carter-Finley’s alcohol policies?  How about “stall gazing” in general?

Tell her to come see me before June 30th.  We can probably work something out.  Tell her to wear that little black number.

Ciaran: As you may know, I’m the only one at Frumpzilla that’s not intimately connected to N.C. State athletics. I’m a big Georgia fan, SEC homer, etc.  With that in mind, what do you expect your potential touchdown in Starkville to bring to the SEC landscape?

Dude, I quit reading that one at “know”…too many words.

Ciaran: I find it interesting that you’re strongly considering a move to not only another “State” school, but also one with a mascot in the Canidae family.  How big of a factor in your decision to interview was the familiarity MSU presented in this regard?

I don’t know the Canidae’s personally, but I’m sure they’re good people.  Maybe if I take the job, I’ll meet them.

Ciaran: As a follow-up, if Bulldogs, like, traveled in packs, who you got in a throw down?

Did you drink a bunch of cough medicine before you wrote these questions?

Ciaran: Okay, real quick…word association.  “Inept”

Outept?

Ciaran: “Mustache”

I can’t describe the positions in one word.  Sorry.

Ciaran: “Cigar”

Boss Man.  Dammit, two words, my bad.

Ciaran: “Hillbilly”

LTR.   Are abbreviations considered one word?

Ciaran: “Barry Manilow”

Steroids

Ciaran: “Annabelle Vaughan”

Hoover

Ciaran: “Cougar”

Firebird

Ciaran: “Roy Williams”

winner

Ciaran: “Sidney Lowe”

donuts

Ciaran: “C.J. Leslie”

Who?

Ciaran: “Carolina”

song

Ciaran: “N.C. State”

PAYDAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!

Ciaran: “Mississippi State”

spelling

Ciaran: “Chapel Hill”

clefhangers

Ciaran: “Raleigh”

circles

Ciaran: “Starkville”

No circles

Ciaran: “Frumpzilla”

Japs.

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No Responses to “Lee Folwer: The Final Interview”

  1. Ron Shay Says:

    Godspeed, Coach Fallon.

  2. Ben McNeely Says:

    RT @YieldToFrump: Without further ado, the FINAL interview ever with "Coach" @Lee_Folwer: http://is.gd/bTXUe #ncsu

  3. Melanie Smith Ball Says:

    omg this is awesome RT @YieldToFrump Without further ado, the FINAL interview ever with "Coach" @Lee_Folwer: http://is.gd/bTXUe #ncsu

  4. Coach L Folwer Says:

    i'm always better in person and on tv than in print, but those frumpzilla guys did alright http://is.gd/bTXUe that's not my good side

  5. Andy Greenwood Says:

    Awesome! RT @YieldToFrump: Without further ado, the FINAL interview ever with "Coach" @Lee_Folwer: http://is.gd/bTXUe #ncsu

  6. NCStateFootball Says:

    RT @YieldToFrump: @WolfpackWire don't forget the last interview with @Lee_Folwer : http://is.gd/bU7U8

  7. statefansnation Says:

    RT @YieldToFrump: For those that missed it yesterday, the FINAL interview ever with "Coach" @Lee_Folwer: http://is.gd/bTXUe

  8. Tommy Says:

    Pretty hilarious – Lee Folwer: The Final Interview http://bit.ly/9fGh9P via @AddToAny

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Tweets that mention Lee Folwer: The Final Interview | Frumpzilla: Sports, Entertainment and Social Commentary from Unprofessional, Highly Irresponsible Sources -- Topsy.com - May 4, 2010

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Bronce McClain, Ben McNeely and Melanie Smith Ball, Frumpzilla. Frumpzilla said: Without further ado, the FINAL interview ever with "Coach" @Lee_Folwer: http://is.gd/bTXUe #ncsu […]

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