Man uses sammich as his pimp-hand

Wed, Nov 19, 2008 at 9:17 am ET

Kissed With Apocalypse, Social Commentary, The Rest

Frumped by

strong pimp hand

With the recent news that a man may be charged with assault for attempting to keep his pimp hand strong via the use of a sammich, I figured it might be a good time to make a brief list…

In order to properly determine if assault charges are appropriate, one must know what type of sammich is used in said ‘regulation of one’s hoe.’

Lets run down some of my favorite sammiches and see if my woman would be in trouble should she bring the thunder down upon herself while I was nom nomming.

3.  Subway Meatball


Because the bread gets soft and sloppy with sauce, this sandwich is probably the least violent of my stable.  The meatballs themselves are pretty versatile offensively…they can can be thrown individually or strung together in various lengths but there is very little to hold it together.  Bonus points are awarded here for potential sloppiness and blouses ruined. 

2.  Jersey Mike’s Club Supreme

club supreme

An interesting sammich for battery.  There is an array of meats to assault the senses…cow, poultry and swine form a lethal combo…literally layers of destruction.  Factor in the ridiculous amount of mayo used in these bastards and it creates a spackle of sorts…cement, if you will, of deli meats and cheese to obstruct vision and hearing.  Where this sammich falls short is in the bread and cutting.  The bread is a little flimsy and often fails under the weight of its cargo.  The sammich itself is cut into almost squared pieces, eliminating its use as a bat.  Not perfect, but a solid option.

1.  THE GARG (jimmy johns)

the GARG

GARG.  Mother of all pimp-hand sammiches.  Loaded to the gills with salted cured meats (costanza) the GARG packs a punch.  Packing a literal anvil of toppings, this sammich meeting the temple of some sassy broad in need of an attitude adjustment is sure to produce results.  The strength of the GARG is the weakness of its rivals…the bread.  The French bread encloses the toppings and supports them without failing.  It also comes in full lengths…uncut…making it easy to swing and club offending bitches. 

As you can see, the GARG is clearly the best option if you must substitute sammich for pimp hand.  Use accordingly.,2933,454540,00.html“>Source…


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7 Responses to “Man uses sammich as his pimp-hand”

  1. B Diddy Says:

    Interesting analysis!  However, I’m a lover(of sammiches), not a fighter.  In the interest of nomming purely, I have to always go with Jersey Mikes.  Aside from the Boss, I can’t think of anything better that came from the garden state!

  2. Cochese Says:

    nonsense.  everyone knows Jimmy Johns is the superior product.

  3. B Diddy Says:

    oh holy crap Cochese, you can’t be serious!  I recently got myself in a sticky situation with my next comment, but I’ll say it again and stand by it!  If I wanted a mayonnaise sandwich, I’d ask for a mayonnaise sandwich.  Bread is the only thing Jimmy Johns has going for them, in fact other than the mayo, it’s all you can taste. 

    That being said, delivery is a beautiful thing.

  4. The GingerHead Man Says:

    Ahhhhhh, the french bread.  Perfect food/weapon.

  5. hackles10 Says:

    First of all, if we are talking about what the five fingers holding the hoagie said to the face, then I put my vote in for the tasty delicacy designed by our friends down south….The “Cuban Sandwich”  It may not have been what the Earl had in mind playing in that marathon card game, but the crispy outside, and pressed flat surface area…definitely leads to a crisp bitch slap!

    As far as the Jersey mikes/JJ’s argument goes, Mikes takes it by far…but they lose a point or two for not allowing my 27 year old ass to score that college discount on Saturdays!

    Zack Brown: What’s your name?
    Lester: Lester… Lester the Molester Cockenschtuff.
    Zack Brown: Wow. That’s a great porn name.
    Lester: I get to pick a porn name?… Then I want to be called… Pete Jones.

  6. Cochese Says:

    I see your point in using the Panini, however I would not consider it for this argument because this is all about practicality.  I never eat Panini’s and therefore would never have one on hand for regulating.

  7. hackles Says:

    Did you sir just besmirch the Cuban Sandwich by calling it a panini? 

    And chico, if anything happens to that buy-money, eee pobrecito… my boss is gonna stick your heads up your asses faster than a rabbit gets fucked.

    As we speak, the Cuban Government has dispatched a group of thugs to sew up your asshole and force feed you delicious, and slightly pressed ham/swiss/pickle/mustard sandwiches until you rue the day you called them a panini!

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