With the recent news that a man may be charged with assault for attempting to keep his pimp hand strong via the use of a sammich, I figured it might be a good time to make a brief list…
In order to properly determine if assault charges are appropriate, one must know what type of sammich is used in said ‘regulation of one’s hoe.’
Lets run down some of my favorite sammiches and see if my woman would be in trouble should she bring the thunder down upon herself while I was nom nomming.
3. Subway Meatball
Because the bread gets soft and sloppy with sauce, this sandwich is probably the least violent of my stable. The meatballs themselves are pretty versatile offensively…they can can be thrown individually or strung together in various lengths but there is very little to hold it together. Bonus points are awarded here for potential sloppiness and blouses ruined.
2. Jersey Mike’s Club Supreme
An interesting sammich for battery. There is an array of meats to assault the senses…cow, poultry and swine form a lethal combo…literally layers of destruction. Factor in the ridiculous amount of mayo used in these bastards and it creates a spackle of sorts…cement, if you will, of deli meats and cheese to obstruct vision and hearing. Where this sammich falls short is in the bread and cutting. The bread is a little flimsy and often fails under the weight of its cargo. The sammich itself is cut into almost squared pieces, eliminating its use as a bat. Not perfect, but a solid option.
1. THE GARG (jimmy johns)
GARG. Mother of all pimp-hand sammiches. Loaded to the gills with salted cured meats (costanza) the GARG packs a punch. Packing a literal anvil of toppings, this sammich meeting the temple of some sassy broad in need of an attitude adjustment is sure to produce results. The strength of the GARG is the weakness of its rivals…the bread. The French bread encloses the toppings and supports them without failing. It also comes in full lengths…uncut…making it easy to swing and club offending bitches.
As you can see, the GARG is clearly the best option if you must substitute sammich for pimp hand. Use accordingly.