Ohio man, likely Xavier fan faces charges for having sex with picnic table

Mon, Mar 31, 2008 at 9:47 pm ET

Kissed With Apocalypse, The Rest

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Just when you thought it was safe to go outside. . .and bang your picnic table.

Table pictured for the purpose of sick, perverted imaginations only...

Art Price, Jr. of Bellevue, Ohio — only 174 miles from Cincinnati’s Xavier University — just learned a long, hard and valuable lesson:  Good, tall, fences make good neighbors.  But then so do picnic tables.  Especially the ones with holes in the middle.

Art Price: Table F*$ker

Yep, Mr. Price was caught, on video, in a compromising position today.  Literally.  With a picnic table.  In his backyard.  By his neighbors.  Who reported him to the police.

Apparently Art was “having sex” with the table by gently, yet confidently, pentrating the table’s orifice designed to hold an umbrella, though it’s not clear whether Mr. Price was aware the opening was intended for that latter purpose.

This was the 4th time Art’s neigbors had witnessed him bumpin’ uglies with the table, and they just happened to “inadvertently” catch each incident on tape.

Curiously however, they didn’t report the liberties Mr. Price was taking with his patio furniture until now, which suggests things were getting progressively kinkier; perhaps “too rough,” even, obviously prompting their concern.

But let’s be honest with ourselves here, people. What’s the greater crime:  Layin’ the wood to an innocent, inanimate piece of home & garden decor, or secretly video taping someone else do it — four times?

I think we all know the answer to that question.  Live and let live, man!

As a disclaimer, let me just say that I don’t endorse sexual relations with furniture, or appliances for that matter. I don’t exactly get Lloyd Christmas’s old fashioned romantic feeling when I look at my 8-Way Hand Tied leather sofa.  Not exactly, anyway. I just think I can see myself doing it before getting off on taping someone else do it, so to speak.


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6 Responses to “Ohio man, likely Xavier fan faces charges for having sex with picnic table”

  1. BigAlatUNC Says:

    I only have one thing to say about that… People need to learn to mind their own Bizznazz!

  2. The GingerHead Man Says:

    Holy crap!  Dude was just minding his own business, celebrating the Musketeer victory.  The thought of this guy sprawled out on the top of the table doin’ work.  Unbelievable.  Table-rodgering.

  3. Ciaran Says:

    I know right.  Of course, I think this cat actually turned the table on its side, or “bent it over” if you will.  Maybe he was bored with missionary.

    How’s that for an image?  Table-Rodgering.  Nice…

  4. Dan Rather Says:

    This just in: Sunbeam reports that the act was consensual.

  5. Brad Battle Says:



  1. Ohio man says he didn’t know he was having sex with a corpse. Is that really so hard to believe? | Frumpzilla: Sports, Entertainment and Social Commentary from Unprofessional, Highly Irresponsible Sources - January 12, 2011

    […] our friend Art Price, Jr. of Bellevue, Ohio? Mr. Price had a thing for picnic tables, you see, and wasn’t particularly shy about […]

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