Frumpzilla

Just when you thought it was safe to go outside. . .and bang your picnic table.

Art Price, Jr. of Bellevue, Ohio, only 174 miles from Cincinnati’s Xavier University, learned a long, hard and valuable lesson today:  Good, tall, fences make good neighbors.  But then so do picnic tables.  Especially the ones with holes in the middle.

Yep, Mr. Price was caught, on video, in a compromising position today.  Literally.  With a picnic table.  In his backyard.  By his neighbors.  Who reported him to the police.  Apparently Art was “having sex” with the table by gently, yet confidently, pentrating the table’s orifice designed to hold an umbrella, though it’s not clear whether Mr. Price was aware the opening was intended for such a purpose.

This was the 4th time Art’s neigbors had witnessed him bumpin’ uglies with the table, and they just happened to “inadvertently” catch each incident on tape.  Curiously however, they didn’t report the liberties Mr. Price was taking with his patio furniture until now, which suggests things were getting progressively kinkier, perhaps “too rough,” even, obviously prompting their concern.

But let’s be honest with ourselves here people, what’s the greater crime:  Layin’ the wood to an innocent, inanimate piece of home & garden decor, or secretly video taping someone else do it?  Four times.

I think we all know the answer to that question.  Live and let live, man!

As a disclaimer, let me just say that I don’t endorse sexual relations with furniture, or appliances for that matter.  I mean, I don’t exactly get Lloyd Christmas’s old fashioned romantic feeling when I look at my 8-Way Hand Tied leather sofa.  Not exactly, anyway.  I just think I can see myself doing it before getting off on taping someone else do it, so to speak. 

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