Beverly Hills, CA- Jessica Alba went to visit her OBGYN today due to her most recent Derek Jeter inflicted herpes outbreak and couldn’t find parking near the Beverly Center.
In a desperate race to make her appointment, she succumbed to the convenience and lure of public parking. Afterward, she briefly stopped for a detour on Rodeo Drive and stocked her Aurora shopping bag with rancid newspapers, wrinkled old plastic bags, randomn receipts, and the quarter gallon of Valtrex prescribed to her by her doctor. When she returned to the public parking deck, she had a scuffle with Don Juan, the parking attendant, telling him to “Get a job, Don, ya bum!”
Drenched in tears and with a furrowed brow, Ms. Alba yelled at Don, “Are you fucking kidding me? A dollar-fifty each additional thirty minutes?! So, wait, I can stay here for two fucking hours and pay you only two fucking bucks, but if stay longer, I have to start paying your dumb ass an extra dollar-fifty each half hour?! That is a fucking scam! I mean, the first two hours I am paying you only like a dollar an hour you stupid unjust fuck! And then I have to start paying you three bucks an hour?! Who the fuck died and made you God?! Anyway, I’m not paying you shit!!!”
Don Juan then reminded Ms. Alba that he’s just a parking attendant and not City Hall and he had no power to set fees. Ms. Alba then punched Don Juan in the chest, causing him to gasp for air as he fell into a violent seizure.
Ms. Alba was not available for comments.