For as long as I can remember, I have loved the Boston Red Sox. Through thick and thin, I am a fan. I feel that I know quite a bit about the ol’ boys on Yawkey Way. Maybe not……
So I was playing Trivial Pursuit the other night, and I got a question (Fur Pie, no less) about my beloved Red Sox. “This is unbelievable,” I said to myself and my teammate, Cieron. “That little orange slice o’ pie is ours!” Then, a ritualistic dance ensued. Sort of like the one Cieron and I like to do next to the nickel slots when extra spins are awarded.
Anyway, like I was saying. Here’s the question: “What Red Sox GREAT was once pictured on the box for Champs Condoms?” Here is how my answer came to pass. Well, we know it wasn’t Teddy Ballgame, Yaz, Carlton Fisk, etc. And then I thought, no way is it anyone from the mid 80’s to the present. It has to be someone from the 60’s or 70’s. I mean, those years were all about free love, baby! So, one name came to mind, Freddie Freakin’ Lynn. It has to be Lynn. He had to slay back then. That’s got to be the reason he was on the outside of condom packages. “It wasn’t the condom itself, was it?” No, but how funny would that be? Final answer, “Fred Lynn (confidently).” By the way, how did Freddie finish fourth in the 1979 MVP balloting with 0.333/39/120? Seriously?
So Donk Spotter’s girlfriend says, “Nope. Ted Williams.” “Ummmm. That’s not possible. My grandmother oil painted that sweet, sweet swing on canvas for me when I was just a youthful, impressionable boy,” I said. “It’s Ted Williams. Hand me the dice, Red Sox expert.” “Damn it!” I don’t remember much after that. What I do know is there is no way in hell Ted Williams’ mug should have been on a condom wrapper. It’s just not right. Look at that sweet face.
My pick for most fitting Red Sox player to grace the condom wrapper: Billy Buckner. Just think, the slogan could be, “That’s the last thing getting through these legs.”
-Credit to Cieron for the last line