On September 21st, 2012 a University of Tennessee student, and Pi Kappa Alpha Fraternity member, was hospitalized in an alcohol-related incident. Not exactly headline news, despite the blood-alcohol content of well over 0.40 reported by the media. Well, not headline news if not for the captivating two-word term that, according to Mr. Alexander “Xander” Broughton’s legal counsel, is now sweeping the nation, and possibly the world.
I’m talking, of course, about “butt chugging” — fraternally defined as the act of sticking rubber tubing up one’s ass and letting the beer, wine, and/or liquor flow (into said ass).
Why? Well, this practice presumably takes advantage of the plethora of blood vessels in the anal cavity; bypasses the filtration mechanisms of the liver; and thus, essentially, just gets one, like, really fucking blasted in a relatively short amount of time. An alcohol enema, if you will. An alcohol enema that, ALLEGEDLY, nearly cost Xander Broughton his life.
Frump can’t stress that alleged status enough. Primarily because, well, Xander Broughton denies he’s a butt chugger. In fact, he’d never even heard of butt chugging until he was asked about it while lying in his hospital bed. See, what really happened that fateful evening at the Pi Kappa Alpha frat house was just a classic “Tour de Franzia” session that got a little out of hand. Nothing more, nothing less.
The medical professionals that apparently thought he was a victim of sexual assault? Just another common misdiagnosis of someone that was recently pulled up by the belt of their pants. It can bruise you, after all.
And let’s make sure the world knows another thing, too — Alexander “Xander” Broughton is NOT a homosexual. Not gay. Straight. Likes girls. Okay? Oh, and all you journalists out there; the one’s that relied on police records and such to report on this alleged butt chugging incident — yeah, time to go back to journalism school and brush up on your ethics. Shame on you!
Rest assured, Broughton’s fraternity — and their Alumnus attorney — are standing behind him on this issue. And they’ll be behind him until hell freezes over. So watch your backs University of Tennessee Medical Center, University of Tennessee, and University of Tennessee police. Xander Broughton and Pi Kappa Alpha are about to wear your respective asses out.
Quick Update, 10/3/2012: Frump came across the full police report this morning. It’s pretty fantastic. H/T to Out Kick the Coverage for bringing the police reports/interviews to light. They’ve also got another video of the press conference that includes an additional, one-on-one interview with Mr. Broughton at the end. It’s a must see (starting around the 8:20 mark).
H/T to Alex C for the link