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Well, Frumpsters, Valentine's Day is right around the corner tomorrow, and I'm fairly certain there are quite a few lonely hearts out there that could use a little help landing a last second date. Sure, you could pick up a Cosmo, or Men's Health or something on your way out the grocery store, or maybe try to squeeze in a marathon of that weirdo on VH1, but all that costs valuable time and money, and who really wants to expend any more of such resources than you already have to on a date, let alone one on Valentine's Day.
Unfortunately, I'm confident that I'm in no position to give anyone dating advice, far from it, actually, but I do know "good" advice when I hear it...even if I have to eavesdrop, which is what I did on my lunch break the other day...
Okay, that's not actually a direct quote, but it might as well have been. Whether it's drugs, anxiety, or just another tragic case of Christian Bale Disease (extremely over-inflated sense of self-worth), Joaquin Phoenix put on quite a show on Letterman last night. Then again, maybe that's just it; it's all an act. Is Phoenix the one that's really laughing here? Very well could be, but who cares. For now, I'm just going to assume that he takes himself this seriously, it makes it so much better. I'm also going to assume he's an ass, which may be true regardless of what theory you subscribe to. A bigger ass than Letterman? Not sure, that's for you to decide. Make the jump for the video, where Joaquin mumbles about his dreams of becoming the world's first Method Rapper... (thanks DS)
So someone sent me this story and said: "this has Cieron written all over it". I wasn't quite sure how to take that at first, but, after a lot of self reflection, I've come to terms with it. It's true, I have been known to Frump about folks arguably taking a few too many liberties with inanimate objects. And sure, maybe I'm a sucker for a classic American story about baby boomers suing Victoria's Secret over defective thongs. But is that such a crime?
I mean, I've tackled the tough topics of the day as well. Like why we should all consider switching to hybrid vehicles, and how to act appropriately on Secretary's Day. I've even, albeit reluctantly, addressed the general implausibility of deep seeded, Judeo-Christian religious traditions. That being said, you just can't pass up a report about a guy getting caught with his penis submerged in a pasta jar, having his way with it, and continuing to pleausre himself while resisting arrest. Oh, yeah, and there's a Jack Russell Terrier involved, too, and it all went down at a place called Nobby's Beach (seriously). Make the jump for a recap of the festivities and link to the source article.
Here's our public service announcement for the week, Frumpsters. That and a personal shout out to our favorite, OCD, ritualistic hand sanitizer extraordinaire - Mr. Donk Spotter (Seriously, I'm now, and only just now, sorry for all the times I've made fun of you).
You know, I worry about a lot of silly, pointless things; brain tumors, inevitable death, the economy, the looming giant spider issue, filthy, whorish women, my career prospects...the list goes on and on. I can honestly say, however, that I've never wasted any of my valueless time pondering whether worms would somehow infiltrate, and begin eating through, my brain...until now. Yep, thanks to Phoenix, Arizona's Rosemary Alvarez, I now have yet another relatively irrational concern to add to my laundry list of neuroses.
There is a happy ending here, though. Imagine the relief you must feel upon learning that the tumor the docs thought they saw on your MRI was actually just a worm burrowing through your brain, and at a farily steady pace. Phew! Grab the nearest bottle of Purell (check your shirt pocket, Donk Spotter) and make the jump for the video of this story, including footage of how this worm was discovered during surgery.
It's okay, she settled her pending, 7 year-old claim against the city for $275,000. Seriously. I saw it on Fox News, so it's got to be true. I'm gonna ask you to make the jump for the video of this, also courtesy of my favorite e-supermarket tabloid, because, well, we simply could use the page views. Don't worry, it's worth it, for a variety of reasons...
All sorts of of help from the refs. Too many men on the field? Okay, I'll stop. Seriously, though, what the hell? Apparently this infamous zebra, one Penn Wagers (he has a history...), has already been cleared of any wrongdoing for his brutal take down of USC East QB Stephen Garcia, making his first career start no less, in the Cocks showdown with LSU last Saturday in Columbia. Getting cleared by the SEC doesn't necessarily mean much, unfortunately, but even the Old Ball Coach himself has let this thing go, which I guess says a lot.
This is still a head scracher for me, however, not to mention a gut wrencher in terms of laughter. I posit that there are NCAA scholarship linebackers with weaker strafe technique than that displayed by Wagers here. Remarkable. To add insult injury, South Carolina lost 24-17...
The above photo may or may not be an actual pic of the culprit, but, either way, pretty alarming, huh? And on so many levels. Fortunately, the most obvious potential injuries that come to mind, at least to my mind anyway, didn't come into play here, but that doesn't mean what actually happened isn't just as bizarre. Apparently 52 year-old Macrida Patterson, a traffic officer with Los Angeles' Department of Transportation, was simply slipping on her "low-rise V-String" from Victoria's Secret's "Sexy Little Thing" line when a decorative metallic piece flew off the undies and struck her in the eye. Ain't that somethin'?
According to Ms. Patterson's attorney, Jason Buccat, despite the fact that the "design problem" only led to his client missing a few days of work, the injury to her cornea will be "affecting her for the rest of her life". I imagine there may be some emotional trauma as well, which is understandable, and god I hope Mr. Buccat milks it dry. Buccat apparently made another bold move when he denied Victoria's Secret representative's requests to examine the offending drawls. Can't be sure why Buccat, a products liability specialist with apparent emphais in undergarmets, would implement such a strategy, but, once again, my mind is wide open to several possibilities.
Unfortunately for us all, Ms. Patterson's complaint doesn't specify an amount for monetary damages, but at least we can hope that it will be small fortune. I suspect there may be a run on VS "Sexy Little Thing" "V-Strings" now, so if you're hoping to take advantage of what could become the next notorious class action lawsuit, and are willing to stomach yours or your loved ones' vision problems, you better get out there and stock up prior to the recall. Widepread panic over thong safety may very well ensue...
The complaint in its entirety can be found over at The Smoking Gun.
Frueters- Krist Kristoferson and Barbara Streisand are disgusted by the lack of artistic creativity and the pompous display of carlessness seemingly aimed at sabotaging Frumpzilla, Inc. says a spokesman for Ms. Streisand's pre-show vomit bucket and Mr. Kristoferson's beard, shaved chest, and man-hands. Indeed, Ms. Streisand's violent perm speaks loudly and is evidently riddled with metaphors of a safe post-Iraq world amidst a jump shot by Kobe Bryant's rapist wit.
Yes, that's a 4 million dollar rock on that little wedding finger, folks. But what about Robert Redford or Nick Nolte, who is the penultimate co-star/love interest to a Barbara Streisand character? To unravel that riddle is to live an enduring life of enchanted endocrinology.
And if that doesn't scare the bejesus out of you, well, you've got balls the size of melons. Or you just don't give a shit, which is effectively the same thing. Senator Robert Byrd has accomplished a great many things in his 90 years on this Earth, the last 56 of which he's spent as a United States Congressman and Senator, setting the Senate record for longest term of service in the process. Prior to that he held such illustrious titles as "Exalted Cyclops" and "Grand Kleagle" in some organization called the Ku Klux Klan, but that's a story for another day.
Right now Byrd is President Pro Tempore of the United States Senate, a position which, as noted above, puts him third in line to become President should the proverbial cocky-dooky ever hit the fan. So here's how that could pan out: W (The President) resigns upon seeing his approval ratings somehow dip into negative integers, Cheney's heart finally declares it's had enough of this world, and Nancy Pelosi decides to forgo the opportunity to be President, retiring from politics all together, citing the "F" rating she received from the NRA as "posing too great a risk". Meet President Robert C. Byrd.
Yeah, so hopefully the clip below just captures Senator Byrd on a bad day. I mean, I hate it when people refer to themselves in the 3rd person as much as the next guy, but is that something we really want our President to be crusading about? And as for the Senator from Timbuktu, well, I'll just leave it at that...
[Courtesy of KTLA] Houston -- Three Texas teens have been arrested after police say one told them that they had dug up a skull and fashioned it into a bong to smoke pot.
Authorities say the teens dug up Willie Simms' grave in what is most likely a 19th century veterans grave yard, broke off the skull and smoked marijuana from it.
Police were led to the grave site where they found a knocked over headstone and a water-filled hole more than four-feet deep. Two of the teens, who are each 17, are charged with misdemeanor abuse of a corpse. A third, who is 16, is in the juvenile justice system.
"The fight started Saturday night after a reception when he knocked her to the floor with a karate kick in the seventh-floor hallway of a Holiday Inn — and escalated when she attacked two guests from another wedding party who came to her aid, police said."
9 clever 3rd graders in Waycross, Georgia have been awarded Frumpzilla's first Justice Award for nearly pulling off an elaborate, disturbingly well-calculated hit on their b*tch of a teacher.
On freshman Kyle Parker, who is having a really good season with the baseball team: “I’ve watched him practice and I’ve watched him play (baseball). He’s really good looking. If I was a girl, I’d be very interested in him. He wears those tight pants. When you wear loose stuff, you can’t tell the definition of a guy’s body. In baseball, everything’s tight and you can tell he’s very well put together.”
Posted by cieron on 02/26 at 06:39 PM •
Well, Frumpsters, Valentine's Day is 
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