Tag Archives: tongue-in-cheek

Pandapocalypse

December 20, 2010

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A metaphor for U.S.-Sino relationsThis cover from China’s Vista Magazine may have been intended as a metaphor for the future of Sino-American relations, but I think there’s a tad more to it than that.

Those who know me well know that I’ve always distrusted giant pandas. In fact, if not for our vastly superior strength in numbers, I’m fairly confident those glorified raccoons would waste no time making waste of us.

See, they may appear all cute and fuzzy, but underneath that black and white fur lies the soul of a vicious, subservient, porn-watching weapon of mass destruction.  And that’s assuming they have souls.

Indeed, after perhaps Al Qaeda, WikiLeaks, fast food, and North Korea, the giant panda is probably the single greatest threat to America.  And, similar to what you’ve seen in all those Al Qaeda “terrorist training” videos, pandas, too, start the indoctrination of evil at a young age.

Seriously, some people may view what’s seen after the jump as “playful” — those people will also be the first to go. A closer look reveals that this is just the infant stages of the pandas’ quest for world domination.  Believe it, or else…

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It’s official: Matthew Stafford has the strongest arm in the NFL

May 3, 2010

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Matthew Stafford has the strongest arm in the NFL Now if he could just stay off his backside long enough to put it to good use, who knows; maybe the Lions could get above .500 for the first time in a decade.

Seriously, though. Go ahead. Tell your friends. Given the immeasurable appeal and influence the Madden franchise has on the masses, Sundays at the bar shall no longer be graced by the classic “biggest arm” debate. No more inebriated oral dissertations on the physics of velocity versus distance. No more girlfriends wondering just who the hell Jay Cutler is — The one with the weak chin? Yeah, that’s him — it’s all over, and the folks at EA Sports are the ones to blame.

Indeed, the evil empire of sports video gaming recently released a sneak peek of some of its Madden 2011 Quarterbacks, and, with a “Throwing Power” rating of 97, Stafford shall now and forever be known as having the biggest and baddest of all the “laser, rocket arms” launching pigskins during the 2010 season.

In other news, Peyton Manning and Drew Brees are really, really good NFL QB’s — almost perfect, in fact, with 99 overall ratings — and the league’s suspected bias against the non-traditional, “athletic” QB is further confirmed by Vince Young’s 79.

Expect numerous “who’s better, who’s best?” arguments to come to screeching halts this Fall when these figures start getting thrown around; rosy cheeks will be abound. Get more ammunition here

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It’s Secretary’s Day! (again, and again)

April 21, 2010

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Sex secretary is really fired up for Secretary's DayCan you believe it, Frumpsters?  What’s almost certainly Frumpzilla’s favorite secular holiday is here again, and, as we’ve done in the past, we’re here to give you some tips to help ensure your “administrative professionals” feel as special as reasonably possible.

Sure, it may be the same advice we gave you last year, and the year before that, but that’s only because it’s damn good.  Seriously, literally dozens of readers may or may not have paid heed to what follows and in turn made their respective Secretary’s Day experiences truly extraordinary.

So, without further ado, here’s Frumpzilla’s suggestions for how to make Secretary’s Day 2010 the best yet!

Frump’s Note: Now, before anyone else gives us any grief; For our sake, for your sake, for your “administrative professionals'” sake, please make sure you’ve got your Facetiousness Detector in the “On” position prior to reading.  Think “script from a Secretary’s Day 1952 public service announcement/film,” or something.  Thanks.

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It’s Secretary’s Day! (again)

April 22, 2009

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Naughty Secretary

As most of our hundreds of thousands of readers have probably noticed, Frumpzilla has been on the mend for awhile now.  Still is, really, but, despite our current state of flux, we just couldn’t resist paying homage to one of our favorite secular holidays.  We could, however, fail to come up with anything original, and instead recycle our incredibly popular Secretaries’ Day article from last year.  Don’t worry, though, the advice is still good…REALLY good, so enjoy celebrating Secretaries’ Day 2009 with these helpful tips and suggestions…

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It’s Secretary’s Day

April 23, 2008

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Have you made your little pencil pusher’s day special?

My 'administrative professional' refuses to deliver my mail in this manner.  I've asked.

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Tar Heels Hold Off Duke, 76-68

March 10, 2008

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Win 2nd round of battle to determine which team, fan base has bigger pole stuck up its ass.

Tyler Hansbrough get his revenge...on the rimGreg Paulus, Being an Ass

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