Frumpzilla

More specifically, “The Best of Scott Wright’s Draft Countdown Senior Bowl Weigh-in Notes“, because (1) his work is the primary source for this post, and (2) it’s probably the only Senior Bowl weigh-in feature deserving of and/or awkward enough for Frump to recap.

Now, I’m not entirely sure what Mr. Wright was going for — or perhaps looking for, I guess. At times his analysis seems quite pertinent, but then, without warning, you’re greeted with something likable to the pitch of an ad that’s likely sitting in your spam folder right now.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not trying to be critical. This approach certainly made for probably the most compelling feature on a Senior Bowl weigh-in I’ve ever read. It just, you know, also happened to be one of the most WTF inducing as well.

Things start off relatively innocently. Take FSU QB Christian Ponder’s “note“: Great definition with a six-pack.

A six-pack, eh? Good to know?

Then again, I guess that’s fair to highlight. After all, if we’re going to deride the Terrence Cody’s of the football meat market, we might as well take note of the guys that actually put a bit of effort into their protein shake endorsement appeal. Take the “good” with the “bad,” right?

Well, if it ended there, I wouldn’t be frumping this post right now. As you’ll see after the jump, things began to spiral rapidly — and progressively — out of control as Draft Countdown went through the position groups…

The Running Backs were next, but let’s just say their presentation must have done little to arouse Scott’s interest and/or ire.

Things got back on track with the Wide Receivers, though, starting with Abeline Christian’s Edmund Gates:

A hair joke was too easy, I guess -- Draft Countdown went straight to Titus Young's "chicken legs"

All caps and an explanation point? I could almost hear Scott squealing with delight from our lavish Raleigh headquarters.

Oh, and when the Draft guru wasn’t fawning over the body art of lean, long, and tone WR specimens, well, he had a tendency to be downright mean. For instance, describing Boise State’s Titus Young as “[t]hin with no definition. Goofy gait. Small chicken-like legs.“

FSU's Rodney Hudson, after reading his Senior Bowl weigh-in note

Relative to some of the Offensive Lineman, however, Titus got off easy.

Florida State’s Rodney Hudson could very well have been brought to tears by his note: Squatty with thick midsection and manboobs.

Wright didn’t let up on Pitt’s Jason Pinkston either: Squatty with thick upper body. HUGE bubble butt!

Alright, Scott. Now things are starting to get out of hand. Let’s take it down a notch, okay?

There, that’s better.

Toledo's Kevin Kawalski doing what "nothing special" people do to make themselves feel special

Draft Countdown kept it fair and balanced, though. Just look at some of these notes on the Defensive Lineman:

And then a curious foray into fire hydrant comparisons…

Jarvis "Jiggles" Jenkins of the Clemson Tigers

Prior to describing Clemson’s Jarvis Jenkins so: “Soft upper body and jiggles.“

Scott wasn’t all negative, though. He actually had plenty of positive things to say about this position group, however odd.

California’s Cameron Jordan apparently had “broad shoulders with long arms,” and was “just BIG.” Incidentally, Jordan may have also won this year’s Mr. Banana Hands award, sporting the largest paws at 11 1/4″. So that’s nice.

Baylor’s Phil Taylor received this praise: “Carries size REAL well. BIG man. Not flabby at all.” Scott was really getting into the swing of things now, obviously.

I swear this is the first image that pops up for "Allen Bailey" in a Google image search...

In fact, Mr. Wright may have found his namesake, of sorts, when Miami’s Allen Bailey trotted out on stage: “Adonis. Incredibly long arms.”

Apparently, Purdue’s Ryan Kerriga was also quite a specimen: “Well defined and very muscular. Abs!” WTF?

Ian Williams: Maybe we could just call it a prominent seat?

The Fighting Irish’s Ian Williams elicited a somewhat more ambivalent review, but I suppose that’s not all that surprising: “Fireplug who is thick and solid with bubble butt.” A lot of “bubble butts” were on display from what I could gather.

Colin McCarthy: Awfully Unimpressive

Next up were the Linebackers, but the only one of particularly awkward note was Miami’s Colin McCarthy, who was described as “SOFT” and “[a]wfully unimpressive.”

Based on what I’d read up to this point, and McCarthy’s pic, I found such negativity from Mr. Wright rather shocking, but whatever.

Draft Countdown was back in good spirits for the Defensive Backs — or what I’m terming the “Abs-solutely Fabulous Six-Pack Spectacular”…

Man alive.

Unfortunately, just as Scott was presumably finished wiping the last speck of sweat from his brow, he had to take in the Kickers and Punters — and was obviously none too happy about it.

Nebraska's Alex Henery: Computer Geek

Nebraska’s Alex Henery wasn’t so lucky: “Ordinary person. Looks like a computer geek.” To be fair, Henery is an engineering major.

Chas Henry's Derp Face here may have given rise to Scott Wright's scathing analysis

And Florida’s Chas Henry? “Tall with a goofy awkward build.” Okay, well, his pic is certainly somewhat revealing.

Bayou Bengals’ kicker Josh Jasper may have gotten the worst of it, however: “Looks like a grocery store stock boy.” OMG…harsh!

Who knows - Maybe Josh Jasper actually will work in a grocery store someday...

The 2011 Under Armour Senior Bowl will be played in Mobile, Alabama on Saturday, January 29th. The game is set to be broadcast by the NFL Network at 4:00 pm ET.

Many thanks to the Gingerhead Man for the tip.