Frumpzilla

Out of sympathy for Gus Malzahn, that is.

Listen, we’ve all known that guy that’s with that girl. That girl that, you know, despite whatever good qualities she may have, just kind of makes you feel a little sorry for said guy when it’s time to go home. The guy that’s just kind of hanging on. Lost. Waiting, hoping for some guidance or impetus. Some way out of what at least seems to be an inescapable situation. Well, that guy may very well be Auburn Offensive Coordinator Gus Malzahn.

As you can see from the video above, Kristi Malzahn is, well, quite a handful, and her little Christ-side chat with Dr. Ronnie Floyd at The Summit (a Southern Baptist megachurch conference for evangelical-leaning Christians) shed quite a bit of light on several issues (in chronological order):

1. How bad it sucks to raise kids
2. How bad the Auburn fanbase sucks
3. How bad Lou Holtz’s slurred speech sucks
4. Why Gus Malzahn spends so many late nights at the office
5. How bad it sucked that Auburn only scored 22 points in its win over Oregon for the 2010 BCS Championship, and why Gus Malzahn sucks because of it
6. Kristi Malzahn’s secret, forbidden love for Cam Newton
7. How Cam Newton was recruited for less than two weeks
8. How bad Auburn running back Michael Dyer sucks
9. Potential recruiting violations
10.  More potential recruiting violations
11.  The level of intelligence of Auburn’s football team, and the populace of the State of Alabama in general
12. The intensity of the Alabama-Auburn rivalry, and how much it sucks
13. Even more potential recruiting violations committed by Auburn’s football program
14.  How awesome LSU is
15.  How awful we all should feel for Gus Malzahn

There wasn’t much to be particularly happy about on Rocky Top at the end the 1st half last Saturday evening. The Volunteers had played the Georgia Bulldogs to a somewhat pedestrian 6-6 stalemate heading into the locker room, but, nevertheless, there was still a lot of energy in the Knoxville night; still hope for the future and the second half of SEC football that lay ahead.

And then the band took the field.

Listen, we all know that halftime performances can be a bit drab, prompting the creative forces in charge to take risks; to think outside the box in an effort to keep butts in the bleachers and — if nothing else — help curb America’s growing obesity problem. Having said that, there is never a reasonable excuse for the liberties taken at Neyland Stadium over the weekend. Never a rational reason to subject 100,000+ rabid football fans to a Tennessee-themed reworking of Victor Fleming’s 1939 fantasy musical classic, The Wizard of Oz.

That’s right, Volunteer fans watched in captive horror as their “Pride of the Southland” marching band conducted a dialogue-rich reenactment of Dorothy and her dog “Smokey’s” trip down the “Checkerboard Road” in search of a way back to Rocky Top. Replete with embarrassingly lame jokes about Alabama, Kentucky, South Carolina, and even the evening’s guest in the form of the “Wicked Witch of Georgia,” I think they may have even thrown in a still incomprehensible jab at Texas A&M (around the 6:15 mark).

Out of bounds, Vols. Out. Of. Bounds.

Pat Summit, cast as the Good Witch, has every right to be upset

But wait, there’s more. Obviously not content with embarrassing merely themselves, someone in Tennessee’s music department decided that legendary Lady Vols basketball coach Pat Summit should be cast as the Good Witch (and the basketball team as the munchkins, apparently). Indeed, Coach Summit was even tasked with asking Neyland’s capacity crowd to click their heels three times and say “There’s no place like Rocky Top” (I’m not making that up; see around 7:00).

By now, of course, the Tennessee crowd was becoming cannibalistic. The kindest of Georgia fans probably offered their condolences, but most knew the damage was irreparable (and delighted in that fact). The positive energy had been sucked out of Neyland as quickly and as violently as Dorothy had been sucked into Oz.

With the home crowd still reeling from the ten minutes of halftime hell they’d just sat through, any home field advantage was now lost. Tennessee would go on to lose 20-12, gaining just 33 yards in the 2nd half, and in game that saw Georgia’s defense hold the Volunteers to -20 rushing yards for the entire contest. It may very well be only the second time in college football history where a marching band has played a pivotal role in the outcome of a game.

Leave the novel reinterpretations of The Wizard of Oz to bored Pink Floyd fans, okay, Vols?

And I suppose we owe them some level of gratitude.

Now, I’m not sure how or why, but Frump apparently let this phenomenon pass it by. Yes, it seems over the past few years the student bodies of several esteemed academic institutions, including — but not limited to — Baylor, (somewhat esteemed) Florida State, and even Columbia Business School, have made numerous examples of relatively professional, marginally successful, and mildly bewildering YouTube recruitment videos.

Of course, as you see, none of them quite capture that particular, peculiar essence of “WTF” the way our Crimson Tide girls do up there.

Indeed, apparently not content nor wise enough to sit idly by in the midst of such endeavors, this panhellenic coalition of Greek forces at the University of Alabama made its very own “Going Greek” video, so to speak. Sadly, I’m not sure even Nick Saban — despite the blatant, pandering reference — could make this pitch a convincing one. I mean, “Friday,” was, like, so last week, ladies.

Thanks to the Admiral for “Going Greek” on this one.

No fancy intro here.  Four observations from your humble and unreliable correspondent.

Lets get to it…

1.  Finally something to watch on Thanksgiving

Best pick of the night belonged to the Detroit Lions.  Hands down.   My favorite pick.  The most entertaining thing to watch in all of football is a dominating defensive tackle (see Suh’s performance against Texas in the 2010 Big XII title game and Fairley in this year’s National Title).  The goat of previous drafts, the Lions have hit 3 home runs in recent years with Calvin Johnson, Ndamukong Suh and now Nick Fairley….with a foruth pick that could make it a grand slam should Ciaran man-crush and ceiling poster boy Matty Stafford ever prove not to be made out of beautiful fine crystal.  That aside…

[...]

Assuming you can do it legally, what better way to spice up the 1st Round of the 2011 NFL Draft tonight than with some prop bets, right? I mean, if it works for Super Bowl parties, why not the NFL Draft?

Best of all, unlike your average prop, most of these have been analyzed and discussed (albeit indirectly) by countless “Draft Experts” for months now — so you’ve actually got a wealth of supposedly reliable, predictive information to work with.

Let’s take a look at what’s arguably tonight’s marquee prop, for instance:

Cam Newton’s Draft Position: Over/Under 1.5 (+250/-400)

Or, in other words: Will Cam Newton go #1 Overall, or not?

Now, if you’re at all interested in this year’s NFL Draft, you’ve probably read no less than 10 articles in the past 72 hours on what the Carolina Panthers are gonna do with the #1 pick.  The overwhelming consensus: They’re going to draft Cam Newton (but aren’t necessarily over the moon about it).

Carolina is certainly in an unenviable position. Newton, despite how high his ceiling may be, is still almost certainly somewhat of  a project, at best.  Gus Malzahn’s “One Read and Go” offense  at Auburn — however misconstrued it may be — probably didn’t prepare Cam for the complexities of an NFL passing attack as much as it could, amongst other red flags .

It also appears the Panthers, in desperate need of QB help regardless, may not be able to find a viable trading partner for the #1 pick, and Newton — at -400 — is the clear favorite to be selected first overall (Marcell Dareus is the next favorite at a distant +300).

All that said, roll the dice on Newton Under 1.5, and — particularly if you’re a Panthers fan — make sure your fingers are firmly crossed….

[...]

Now that the first of a new decade of newly formated NCAA tournament fields has been set, Frump figured it’s as good a time as any to examine the best of the previous decade.

Some of you may recall Frumpzilla’s Top 25 College Football Programs of the Decade – it was a pretty big hit for us.

This undertaking, while in a similar vein, isn’t necessarily intended as a definitive ranking of select college basketball programs from ‘00/’01 – ‘09/’10. We basically just thought it would be interesting to see how college basketball programs would stack up when plotting out each’s NCAA Tournament performance over the course of a decade.

More than anything, we wanted this to be fun. If nothing else, you might learn a thing or two about NCAA Tournament history from 2000 through 2010 – at least quantitatively — so make the jump to see how the NCAA Tournament of the 2000′s plays out…

[...]

Seriously, give the girl a chance. Notwithstanding Edmondson’s tangible assets, the perseverance displayed via her remaining a loyal Panther fan after the 2010 season could very well provide the type of intangibles the Panthers are so sorely missing at the moment.

Don’t take my word for it, though. Our first Frump Day link should hammer the point home…

• Jaime Edmondson: Loves modeling, the NFL, and shopping in the Children’s Clothing section at various fine athletic apparel retailers [Last Angry Fan]
• This Valentine’s Day, give the gift of Hand Job. [Sportress of Blogitude]
• Super Bowl tickets are hard to come by, but at least there’s ample parking – for $990 [Sharapova's Thigh]
• Herschel Walker – he’s so hot right now. But is it all just a publicity stunt? [The Victory Formation]
• N.C. State coach Sidney Lowe – not so hot right now. Probably not a publicity stunt [Statefans Nation]
• Ronaldinho has always had great technical skills, I don’t think we’ve ever seen him score from behind the goal, though [FootballXs]
• The UConn women’s basketball team isn’t shy about showing off some ball skills of their own [The Score]
• Good luck at ESPN, Greg McElroy [No Guts, No Glory]
• The average Steelers fan is groomed from a very young age to become the average Steelers fan [Busted Coverage]
• Coming full circle, it appears the Jimmy Clausen era may already be over in Carolina [Draft Ace]

I couldn’t help but ponder that question when the final whistle blew at the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl last night, watching Cam Newton search the crowd for — and eventually finding — the father Auburn’s Athletic Director, and the ESPN broadcast, said wasn’t in attendance.

Sure, we as college football fans can choose to ignore a lot of things, but it’s hard to overlook the fact that the Auburn Tigers’ 22-19 victory over the Oregon Ducks marks the 5th straight BCS Championship for a team from the Southeastern Conference; a conference that now possesses 7 of the 13 Crystal Eggs awarded since the Bowl Championship Series’ inception back in 1998.

Here’s the breakdown:

• 1998: Tennessee (Beat Florida State 23-16)
• 2003: LSU (Beat Oklahoma 21-14)
• 2006: Florida (Beat Ohio State 41-14)
• 2007: LSU (Beat Ohio State 38-24)
• 2008: Florida (Beat Oklahoma 24-14)
• 2009: Alabama (Beat Texas 37-21)
• 2010: Auburn (Beat Oregon 22-19)

Now, considering there are five other conferences that are supposed to have a realistic shot at winning this thing — and the next best showing by any of them is the Big 12′s two Crystal Eggs — isn’t the SEC’s dominance of this party teetering on the precipice of  preposterousness?

I wish I could say the absurdity of it all ended there, by merely looking at the actual champions, but it doesn’t. In fact, some of the SEC’s “misses” — within the context of its hits and  intra-conference dynamics — actually add fuel to the fire…

[...]

***2/2/2011 UPDATE: Isaiah Crowell signed with the Georgia Bulldogs today, and busted out an English Bulldog puppy in the process! See video of Isaiah Crowell’s (and his puppy’s) announcement here…***

With National Signing Day now just a month away, Carver High School’s Isaiah Crowell may be the best undecided high school player left in the 2011 class.

The 5’11″, 210 pound running back from Columbus, Georgia claims offers from virtually every big program in the country, and has recently narrowed his list down to three schools: Georgia, Alabama, and Auburn.

Unlike some of the nation’s other top football prospects participating in Wednesday’s Under Armour All-American Game, Crowell reportedly doesn’t plan to announce where he’ll be taking his 4.43 speed next fall, leaving fans the (dis)pleasure of employing, however poorly, the skills of his namesake until the first Wednesday in February.

Nevertheless, as you can see from the above tweet, Isaiah may have just given those monitoring his recruitment a little hint at where he’ll be playing his college football, or at least which program leads for his coveted signature at the moment.

Chip Towers, who covers recruiting for the Atlanta Journal Constitution, followed up the above tweet with another lovely little tidbit, claiming Crowell went on to compare himself to South Carolina’s Marcus Lattimore in terms of being a “difference-maker” that can quickly change a program’s fortunes.

Now, a lot can change in 30 days, especially when it comes to the sentiment of 17 and 18 year-olds, but for now it appears Crowell might be a Dawg — or at least enjoys teasing them.  After suffering its first losing season since 1996, Georgia — not to mention coach Mark Richt — could certainly use all the help they can get.

If you’ve never seen Isaiah Crowell in action, make the jump to see why he’s ESPN’s #1 RB (#5 Overall), Scout’s #2 RB (#6 Overall), and Rivals’ #5 RB (#29 Overall).

[...]

Given I wasn’t raised in or particularly near a hotbed of professional franchises, I may be a bit biased, but – for me – there’s nothing quite like a great college sports rivalry.

There’s really too many established ones out there to try and list or flippantly single out some over others, and maybe that fact tends to water down their broad media appeal in comparison to, say, the Yankees-Red Sox types within the “American Sports Rivalries Universe.”

Nevertheless, there’s no denying that the bitterness and passion of even the most heralded of professional sports rivalries is often matched, if not eclipsed, by their collegiate cousins. In fact, some may even transcend to a level previously thought to be only mythical in nature: Genetics…

#1 Alabama and #17 Auburn – both currently undefeated – square off in this year’s “Iron Bowl” on November 26th, the last game of the season for each. If both happen to remain unbeaten – HIGHLY unlikely – we’d be treated to what could probably be the most epic edition in the series’ history.

Alabama still has games against #10 Arkansas, #9 Florida, #12 South Carolina – in succession – and #15 LSU. Auburn still has #12 South Carolina, #10 Araksnas, #15 LSU and, yet another traditional rival, struggling Georgia prior to facing off against the Crimson Tide. Gotta love SEC football…

Thanks to DBJ for the link

that isn’t old enough to obtain a driver’s license in his home state.  Seriously, Frumpsters. File this kid’s freak’s name away somewhere, and remember that you may or may not have first heard about him via your friends at Frumpzilla.

Foster is a Freshman at Troup County High School in LaGrange, Georgia.  That’s right, a Freshman, and yet this is still probably one of the more impressive recruiting highlight reels you’re ever gonna see from a Linebacker.  He’s not playing small time ball either.  Class-AAA in Georgia is nothing to scoff at, and produces some big time talent on a regular basis.

Already weighing in at 6’2″, 205, it’s scary to think how Foster might develop over the next three years, and, barring something catastrophic, he’s all but sure to be one of the most prized recruits in the 2013 class.  That said, consider this post Reuben’s official induction as the 3rd member of Frumpzilla’s High School Talent Freak Show Hall of Fame.  He fits in nicely next to Nick Marshall (throwing the ball 70 yards in the air, in game, as a Sophomore) and Deuce Bello (in game, between the legs dunk).

You can track Reuben’s progress and the fight for his commitment at his Scout.com profile. He’s currently listing Alabama, Georgia, Auburn and Georgia Tech as his favorites, but there’s obviously a long way to go…

Now with full motion pictures!  Yeah, I know it seems we’re piling on at this point, but, on a hunch, I just happened to be over at You’re So Right, Carl.  I also just happened to come across this video of a fan documenting his expedition to find the end of the seemingly endless queue of Bama faithful waiting to gaze upon the crystal egg representing their 8th, 13th, or 38th National Championship (depending on who you ask).

Make sure you make it to the end, because he starts to freak out a bit when he realizes he’s gonna be hangin’ out in Wal-Mart for awhile.  Enjoy.

Credit BB&T for the tip.