Frumpzilla

Justin Bieber making the hand sign for "pure evil" -- also rumored to be the title of his next album.

I’ve never really listened to Alex Jones, or spent much time on any of his websites, but, god bless him, I suppose I might have to now — for the lulz, I mean.

Seriously, I’ve heard some good rants on the relative lack of depth and character present in today’s youth, but — if only for its comedic utility and novelty — the genius expressed via seamlessly weaving references to Ferdinand Magellan; Justin Bieber; Nikola Tesla; Lady Gaga; Thomas Jefferson; and (perhaps most irrelevant to the target of Jones’ rant) Michael Jordan is something that merits special attention.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure Mr. Jones shares my perspective on this. In fact, I have a eerie feeling the man might actually be somewhat serious about that little diatribe up there. Yes, even the emphasis implied by all the screaming and yelling, and especially the bit about Magellan. Yowzers.

With that in mind, I’ve decided it’s only fair to break down Jones’ argument a bit more after the jump. Especially considering how easy it is to (dis)miss his point in the wake of what might reasonably be mistaken for a mild psychotic episode…

Okay, kids. Don’t be frightened by Mr. Jones’ little meltdown up there. Remember: He’s not angry with you — he’s angry with the globalists.

You know, the mass network of people, government organizations, and corporations out to turn you into lobotomized, “jealous, stunted, weak, back-stabbing, gibbering demons?” Right, I imagine Mr. Jones covered them in one of his previous lessons.

So, since we don’t want you to become yet another globalist zombie, just remember these important principles:

Things that are “not cool,” and likely part of a globalist conspiracy to destroy you and the future of America

• Football
• Basketball
• Lady Gaga
• Justin Bieber
• Michael Jordan

Things that will spare you from your impending doom at the hands of the wicked globalists, i.e. things that are “cooler” than Justin Bieber

To be fair, even though he never actually circumnavigated the globe -- nor intended to -- Ferdinand Magellan was kind of a big deal. How he tasted according to the Mactan warriors that ate him has been lost to history, however.

• Thomas Jefferson
• Nikola Tesla
• Ferdinand Magellan
• Circumnavigating the globe on one ship
• Being killed by “wild natives” in the Philippines
• Going into space (literally, I presume)
• Mathematics
• Quantum mechanics
• The secrets of the universe

Things to look out for; signs that the globalist coup is imminent, and thus it’s time to head for the hills

• Justin Bieber asking you to turn in your guns
• Justin Bieber announcing his support of the Cyber Security Act
• Justin Bieber offering a general endorsement of police states

Class dismissed!