Or: Drawing attention to yourself, positive or negative, as you desire, at whatever traditional, obligatory junket you may be attending in honor of Super Bowl XLIV.
We all know Super Bowl props are “fun” (don’t we?), but not all Super Bowl props are created equal. After all, who not named “Reggie Bush” can typically get any bang for their buck in relation to the size of Kim Kardashian’s ass?
Well, tomorrow night, the whole world has been given the opportunity to ride Kim Kardashian’s ass to glory. Gambling glory, that is, and the fun doesn’t end there…
If you’re like me, you may be attending a Super Bowl party in which at least half the guests actually couldn’t care less about the game itself. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, especially since it gives you and your “super fun” Super Bowl prop bets an opening to inject a little extra life into a crowd that’s really just there for the finger food, social networking, guilt-free booze, and/or — depending on the circumstances — the chance to get “attached” (however temporarily).
So, let’s get the party started:
1. Bet on how long it takes Carrie Underwood to sing the National Anthem, and make sure anyone you think may be even remotely interested in her “music” knows about it.
The key here is not what side of the of the Over/Under 1 minute and 42 seconds you choose, but rather that you choose the right people to know you’re just bat-shit crazy enough to bet on how long it takes her to sing the Star Spangled Banner.
Yeah, you’re “that guy/gal,” and it could score some major points. Any sane person would wait to start their prop bet sheet with the coin flip, but not you. You’re a rebel, and don’t play by anyone’s rules — not even your own.
To be fair, this one could also backfire tremendously, especially if you try to parlay a comment about her breakup with Tony Romo to someone who responds “you mean the ribs guy?”
2. Bet on the Coin Flip, and bet “Tails.”
If you’re going to bet on any Super Bowl prop, you’re morally obligated to also bet on the outcome of the coin flip. This has been heavily documented and is pretty much accepted as gambling dogma. Just Google it.
Why “Tails?” No reason, really. Just a gut feeling. Feel free to make up a story to your liking.
For advanced users, there’s probably a good, sexually-laced joke in there somewhere. I’d be careful about tapping into that this early, though. The night is young.
3. Bet on whether Kim Kardashian will be shown wearing a Saints jersey during the game.
There are a lot of Kim Kardashian-themed props this year. Given how she’s almost certainly going to be a topic of discussion amongst all the biddies at the party — and the source of at least a couple “nudge-nudge, wink-wink” jokes amongst the boys — there’s no reason Kim shouldn’t be a recurring theme for you tonight.
The last time I bet on Kim, I got burned pretty bad, but at least she’s not an actual participant in tonight’s contest. The way I see it, this one’s pretty simple. What’s probably more important to Kim Kardashian: Wearing her boyfriend’s jersey in an unequivocal display of support, or looking chic, magnifique and as cosmopolitan as possible during a television broadcast that draws the amount of viewership the Super Bowl does?
Go with “No” (she won’t wear a Saints Jersey), and eat the -200.
4. Bet on both Pete Townshend Super Bowl Half-Time Show Props in a subtle, calculated ploy to interject ostensibly meaningful, heartfelt social commentary.
Should be getting close to half-time now, and, especially if you haven’t fared well up to this point, you probably should be getting a noticeably good buzz on.
Your buddy’s wife/girlfriend/significant other that you’ve always clashed with is gossiping to the unattached new girl in town about how you’re an alcoholic degenerate gambler. Read: Assuming you’re on the market, your chances of making a connection (or “casual encounter”) are diminishing by the second.
Thank god The Who is about to come on…and you can safely bring up your disdain for the horrors of child molestation while remaining somewhat topical.
For those that aren’t aware, legendary Who guitarist Pete Townshend is a registered sex offender in England. Without delving too deeply into the details, he was eventually cleared of all charges, but, on a bit of a technicality, still remains on the list of offenders accused of letting their love open the door a little too wide for children.
Well, some folks down in Miami apparently didn’t do their research, or at least chose to ignore the truth, and started hanging fliers on residents’ doors in an effort to keep “Uncle Ernie” from coming to town.
That said, assuming Pete isn’t stoned to death, literally, prior to reaching the stage, you should have some action on a couple of fun props.
Will he smash his guitar on stage? “No” -180. “Yes” at +140 is tempting, but probably a bit too violent given the surrounding circumstances.
Will he go Over 5.5 of his trademark Windmill move? I’m going to reluctantly go with yes here, even at -200.
Will you have salvaged your evening (if necessary)? Absolutely!
5. Bet on how many times CBS will give us a shot of Kim Kardashian.
This one might be the lock of the night. Depending on how her boy Reggie is doing, it might even be “over” before you’re forced to introduce the topic of child pornography at half-time.
With the Over/Under set at 2.5, if CBS does not show Kim Kardashian at least 3 times during the game, I will personally write the network a formal letter of complaint and post it on the site. That’s my promise to you, dear Frumpsters.
6. Bet on whether Reggie Bush’s stats will show better than Kim Kardashian’s ass(ets)
In what is easily the marquee prop of the night, now you can finally live out that fantasy of laying it on Kim Kardashian during a major sporting event.
Some genius in Vegas (now a hero of mine) decided that offering a prop of whether Bush’s total yards would eclipse the sum of Kim’s measurements (34-26-39 = 99) would probably be fairly marketable (it is).
There’s a spread involved, too (touche, Vegas). Right now it’s at Kim -38.5, so essentially you’re wagering on whether Bush is Over/Under 60.5 total rushing and receiving yards for the game.
In the context of your social gathering, one of the best things about this prop is that it gives you a perfectly legitimate reason to know, and announce, Kim Kardashian’s measurements. The attached males, who now also have a perfectly legitimate reason to know and discuss the same free of potential reprimand, will be very grateful for this.
It’s also a great conversation piece for the ladies, who’ll surely enjoy comparing themselves to Kim, pretending to be happy that they don’t have to deal with the “39” at the tail end of her measurements.
As for the prop itself, I’ll be going with the Under. After all, if I’m gonna go down on this one, I much rather be riding Kim than Reggie.
7. Bet on whom the winning coach and Super Bowl MVP will thank first in their post-game interviews in a subtle, calculated effort to end the night on a ostensibly positive, thought provoking note that demonstrates your high level of social awareness (to those whose alcohol level is high enough to take you seriously).
Let’s face it, you probably raised a few eyebrows when you started talking about the societal blight of kiddie porn during The Who’s half-time performance. That’s fine. It very well could have been a necessary evil.
Thankfully, this final prop of the program opens the door for you to smooth things over by talking about a far less sensitive and polarizing subject: Religion.
There are several options to choose from when it comes to whom the Super Bowl MVP will thank first. We’ve got “Coach” at +900; “No one” at +500; “Family” at +400; “Teammates” at +200; and, the clear favorite, “God” at -125. Interesting.
The winning coach essentially has the same options, just different payouts: “Staff” +1000, “No one” +800, “Family” +800, “God” +120, and then “The Team” being the favorite at -150. Hmmm.
Similar to the Carrie Underwood prop that started the night, how you approach this at the party is far more important than where you actually lay your money down.
Ideally, you’re really just trying to start a mildly uncomfortable discussion about how the MVP is apparently much more likely than his coach to thank God first.
Casually mention it, prod for some thoughts, then step back and let the speculation run rampant. If the remaining guests have been drinking as much you have, this debate should develop nicely, and any misgivings some may have about you being “the guy that brought up Pedobear at halftime” will be long forgotten.
If you somehow manage to squeeze all these in, and squeeze them in well, there’s no doubt in my mind that your presence at this year’s Super Bowl party will be all the rave for some time to come.
Whether said “rave” is positive or negative, from an existentialist perspective, is irrelevant — the fact you’ve added anything at all memorable to the event means you’ve won. Good luck!