Frumpzilla

Well, Frumpsters, it’s that time again. Valentine’s Day is less than 48 hours away, and, as always, we’re here to provide a few pointers in hopes of ensuring your night is nothing short of an unequivocal romantic success.

A year ago we offered the lonely hearts out there some advice aimed at landing them an eleventh hour date for the big day (we’re confident we helped some people get lucky that night, and don’t you dare try to take that away from us). This year, however, we’re going in a slightly different direction, but only in form.

Just as one should never underestimate the power of subtle innuendo, one should also never underestimate the raw, unbridled aphrodisiacal prowess of food. Especially even remotely Freudian food.  Like sausage.  Or nuts.  Or bananas. Or even, dare I say, Taco Bell’s Cheesy Double Beef Burrito (yeah, the one with that catchy jingle).

All uniquely suggestive in their own capacity, yes, but just what the frump would happen if one were to combine them?  Well, that’s for you to find out…by serving up one or more of the following culinary masterpieces (after the jump) as your Valentine’s Day circumstances may dictate.

Seriously, why take her out when your sausage is sure to give her one of the more memorable Valentine’s Day experiences of her life?

For the Mediterranean ladies, we have the fresh mozza ball, garlic, roasted red pepper and basil stuffed sausage.  Mmmmm.  Fill her up with this and a nice bottle of Chianti, and she’ll be begging for some cannoli in no time.

If your Valentine is closer to a  down home country gal, lord knows she’ll be expecting double the pork (but then who isn’t these days?).  No problem.  Make her squeal by simply stuffing your Jimmy Dean with bacon and bacon salt, then wrap it up with full strips of whatever bacon you have left over, as seen below.

For those partial to more of a Latin flavor, your chorizo is in luck.  Do a little extra prep work and make a run to the border for a Cheesy Double Beef Burrito from Taco Bell.  Also, do your best not to devour it on the way home.  Easier said than done, perhaps, but trust us; your fortitude and discipline in this matter will pay off exponentially once she credits you for the best piece she’s ever had (of a sausage stuffed with a Cheesy Double Beef Burrito from Taco Bell).

Finally we have a bit of a catch-all, and, hell, one that could seal the deal in even the worst of situations .  This pork will take a bit more effort, but then you’ll score some points by demonstrating that your sausage is quite gourmet relative to all the other suitors she could be spending her evening with.

That’s right, have her dripping with desire upon her first taste of your maple sausage stuffed with honey, peanut butter, and a banana, then coated with brown sugar before being cooked in butter.  Make sure she knows you added your special pecan nut rum butter glaze as well, then sit back and watch her mouth explode with pleasure.

You’re set now, Frumpsters.  Even if she doesn’t take all of it down on that special night, rest assured that you’ll be one huge step closer to making your Valentine’s heart skip a beat.  Good luck!

I wish we could say these were Frumpzilla’s original recipes, but then I think our readers know by now that we’re just not that good.  The genius behind these meat masterpieces goes by the name “Fire it up” over at Smokingmeatforums.com (thank you, Reddit).  Check out that thread for some more pics and preparation tips.